So in the middle of my crazy, my back is killing me and I keep eating fruit like it's the most amazing thing ever. My stomach is a mess. Took another test today to be sure. And nothing. It makes me sad cause I would prefer to be, but I'm slowly getting used to the enduring testing. It's hard not to think about it, so I thought I would brace myself early for the negative. Ugh why do I do this to myself? Really?
Andy brought me flowers and a card. I know that he loves me. I wish I didn't hurt so that he wouldn't hurt. But he keeps me going and I thank God for that.
Friday, December 31, 2010
update
So the very next day I miscarried. Although it was miserable, it still somehow physically was not as bad as I had feared. The worst part was the emotional. Your dreams for the coming year just slip from your hands. It sucks. There's no other way to describe it other than it sucks and you feel empty... again. There is no fairness in it. There may be a plan, but it sure doesn't feel like it. It just sucks.
Monday I went for the D&C and completed everything. Emotionally I was raw at that point. I just don't understand how or why God would give me such a present and then allow it to be taken. I am trying not to go there, but I am a human with human feelings. And on top of that I'm in the midst of a baby boom... I currently can name at least 10 couples expecting. I'm not jealous. I'm just confused and feel a little forgotten. I waited on God for so much, but this is wearing me thin for certain. My faith remains that God will be with us and work in His time, but my heart aches. I feel so ready, but since it's not working I second guess myself. Surely I would be a good mother, but all this chips away at that confidence.
Which brings me to the next point. Laying in my bed lamenting my situation as I should not do, but have done since October. In the past few months, I have hosted the Halloween party that we were supposed to announce the pregnancy at, I went to my mother's where I was supposed to get a bassinet, and entered the season of expectation all together non-expectant. I just felt hurt and foolish for believing this was going to work. I don't understand why God would not just say no in the first place. And that's where I was, curled up on the bed mid-December trying to put together and reconcile the last three months. And that's also where God was, right there in the middle of my whining. He could have said no to our getting pregnant, but I would then be just as hopeless as I was before, feeling that I would never get pregnant. He could have, but instead- even though this whole thing sucks, He gave me hope. It was not meant as a taunt, but the timing was not right. The lessons learned while going through this are what I need to grow. I just wish there was another way, but there is not.
So, in the midst of the midst of it all I forgave God for taking this from me. I forgave myself for being angry with everyone/thing. And I named my baby. She has added to my life and for that deserves her own name. Because before her I had no hope to ever get pregnant, I named her Hope. It still hurts and nags in me, but I can start to let go. And I think God has forgiven me, too.
Monday I went for the D&C and completed everything. Emotionally I was raw at that point. I just don't understand how or why God would give me such a present and then allow it to be taken. I am trying not to go there, but I am a human with human feelings. And on top of that I'm in the midst of a baby boom... I currently can name at least 10 couples expecting. I'm not jealous. I'm just confused and feel a little forgotten. I waited on God for so much, but this is wearing me thin for certain. My faith remains that God will be with us and work in His time, but my heart aches. I feel so ready, but since it's not working I second guess myself. Surely I would be a good mother, but all this chips away at that confidence.
Which brings me to the next point. Laying in my bed lamenting my situation as I should not do, but have done since October. In the past few months, I have hosted the Halloween party that we were supposed to announce the pregnancy at, I went to my mother's where I was supposed to get a bassinet, and entered the season of expectation all together non-expectant. I just felt hurt and foolish for believing this was going to work. I don't understand why God would not just say no in the first place. And that's where I was, curled up on the bed mid-December trying to put together and reconcile the last three months. And that's also where God was, right there in the middle of my whining. He could have said no to our getting pregnant, but I would then be just as hopeless as I was before, feeling that I would never get pregnant. He could have, but instead- even though this whole thing sucks, He gave me hope. It was not meant as a taunt, but the timing was not right. The lessons learned while going through this are what I need to grow. I just wish there was another way, but there is not.
So, in the midst of the midst of it all I forgave God for taking this from me. I forgave myself for being angry with everyone/thing. And I named my baby. She has added to my life and for that deserves her own name. Because before her I had no hope to ever get pregnant, I named her Hope. It still hurts and nags in me, but I can start to let go. And I think God has forgiven me, too.
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