Journal

So here I am once again disappointed and preparing to test to confirm there's no baby here.  I've been through these times before and it usually stops my heart.  Last September I went into the doctor to discuss options and we ran blood tests on the 3rd day of my period.  Unfortunately, my period didn't come after my normal 45 day wait.  She induced the period and tests confirmed negative for the PCOS which I've been diagnosed with since my early 20's.  So last month we've monitored ovulation, as it seems that is the missing component.  On December 14th, it seemed to give a small line and we acted as though it were a positive.  I was hopeful, but after hearing Andy doubt, I realize the slim chances I have before me.  And then no period- still no period... It's so miserable.  My emotions are everywhere.  I'm ready to cry daily and don't see much relief until I get straightened out.  So three days ago I tested.  I was hoping maybe.  And nothing, as I had suspected, but did not want to find true.  So today I have to confirm.  It's not only my own compulsion, but the box suggested.  I am now 19 days from my suspected ovulation days.  And I'm going to go and I will likely end up empty handed.  But we'll try again, probably with some help.

And again, I'm negative... Argh

Journal

Today I am nearing 60 days with no period and its pretty frustrating.  We stopped the pill on March 11th.  I was scared that we'd end up pregnant immediately, but now I have the opposite fear.  This is nothing new to bring.  Women have held this responsibility forever: to carry proudly a new life into the world.  Unfortunately to also carry guilt when you cannot carry a baby.  

I don't view it as a curse or that God is mad at me, there is still that feeling of urgency.  There's a feeling of "why?" I don't feel completely bitter when I see women with babies and hear them regret their children, but it's growing.  I pray that I can just focus on my God who ultimately is the One whom understands and decides who has a child and when.  I know that I don't understand why some have children when they seem to not fit my personal standards or hurt their children because they'd rather they not be there.  I've seen some awful things, but those things turn to questions of why God does what He does and I am not qualified to ask the questions Job asked.  I just trust for a miracle from the God that loves and blesses me.