Journal

Today I am nearing 60 days with no period and its pretty frustrating.  We stopped the pill on March 11th.  I was scared that we'd end up pregnant immediately, but now I have the opposite fear.  This is nothing new to bring.  Women have held this responsibility forever: to carry proudly a new life into the world.  Unfortunately to also carry guilt when you cannot carry a baby.  

I don't view it as a curse or that God is mad at me, there is still that feeling of urgency.  There's a feeling of "why?" I don't feel completely bitter when I see women with babies and hear them regret their children, but it's growing.  I pray that I can just focus on my God who ultimately is the One whom understands and decides who has a child and when.  I know that I don't understand why some have children when they seem to not fit my personal standards or hurt their children because they'd rather they not be there.  I've seen some awful things, but those things turn to questions of why God does what He does and I am not qualified to ask the questions Job asked.  I just trust for a miracle from the God that loves and blesses me.