Clomid: Take 1

So we are at day 13 and waiting.  Clomid began this cycle, which was shorter and closer to regular.  Hot flashes and crazy emotions are my closest friendemies right now.  It's just difficult to wait.  Very difficult.  And I'm hopeful that this will work.  I'm monitoring to make sure I don't miss it- even if it is pretty early.  On top of waiting, I'm also having myself checked for other health issues.  My side started hurting last November and the doctors haven't given me much to go on except that I need a bunch of tests before they tell me anything.  So a barium diet and cat scan later, I'm bracing for the laxatives today and a colonoscopy tomorrow... Really?? This is why people hate going to the doctor.  Hopefully we can figure out the pain in my side and if it is a digestive issue, get it under control before I do get pregnant.  So hormonally unstable and in the midst of poopiness.  Not good. I threatened to kill my husband and his friend if they don't find somewhere else to hang out today.  I think he finally gets why and told me to journal that he loves me.

Journal

So a lot can change in a short amount of time.  Still I'm negative, but great news is that I've began my period early this month (well 35 days should never be early).  So, I'm able to start the Clomid and that is a new step.  I'm excited to try again. I'm also hoping my body will start adjusting itself.  I've been exercising and watching my food, but it's hard to stay focused.

Stranger than all this was a phone call I received from my best friend.  I was blindsided with the news tht she was pregnant.  I talked to her and congratulated her not knowing what else to say but, "Wow" and "are you kidding?"  It was like trying to not think abou tthe obvious obvious irony of the situation.  I began fertility treatment and she was pregnant.  She also was facing PCOS and assumed that she would have huge issues getting pregnant, but then all of a sudden.. tada!  Welcome motherhood.

While I'm relieved for her, it just feels a little lonelier in this boat.  If I were an atheist, I don't know how I'd handle it.  Knowing God has timing and purpose is helping.  The last thing I want is to be jealous or bitter.  She has had such a crazy time lately and I'm genuinely happy for her.  And it is hopeful being that she has PCOS and still God gets the last word.  And anyone who doesn't have to go through the meds and treatments- YAY!  It's so much easier.  I am just trusting God knows what He is doing and so I keep learning and trying.

It's hard to look forward to meds and the waiting - I hate the waiting.  I could handle it if I felt like my body was semi-enthusiastic or semi cooperative.  But as of yet it's not and I'm sure I'll be ready when it is.  It does make it difficult to see God perform a miracle and then feel that I'm taking matters into my own hands by accepting treatment.  I remember conversations with friends about others taking extreme measures to get pregnant.  I remember my friend saying that maybe God is telling them something and that they should not try to force things.  I'm trusting we're not forcing things.  I'm trying to be patient and not go insane with trying and embrace the time we have preparing and attempting to have a baby.  I am trying to view it openly and as a positive experience even if it is taking forever.