Overwhelmed and Empty

After much hesitance I'm again trying to journal out my thoughts and feelings.  Right now it's hard to sum up what I'm thinking.  About a month ago we went through clomid once again.  Of course it failed and we're essentially no closer to finding out what's wrong with me.  My next option is a specialist and for whatever reason, it feels like failure.  There's a tremendous amount of disappointment and guilt that I have yet to get a handle on.  On one hand, I keep thinking maybe we need to wait.  I enjoy our freedom and ability to move at a moment's notice.  But how often is that?  It's just nice, but we're slowing down and enjoying being home.  It's in this slowing down I feel the "empties."  It's beyond the "baby blues."  I just feel that I'm missing a part of what I supposed to have.  I feel like I'm grieving that missing part and that is the strangest feeling.  If I were losing something it would be a definite set of circumstances, but this is just an ongoing set of maybes and speculation.  If it were definite, I would know that there is an end in sight.  This is a perpetual and nagging pain.  The guilt comes in when I look at all my weight gain in the past 2-3 years.  I keep reassuring myself that this could be the situation no matter what weight I'm at.  And that makes it seem more hopeless.  There's so much and I don't care to share with others.  I don't want "Oh I've been there" when I don't feel like they understand me all that well.  I don't want a list of helpful tips.  I don't want a list of referrals and/or anecdotes of friends of friends to comfort me.

There is no comfort.  I am broken and there is no comfort for this.  And the next step is obvious, but difficult. The specialist will diagnose (with time) what the issues are with me, but I'm scared to death of the treatment.  Although I want children badly, I don't want to RUSH things out of God's plans and end with with a different scenario than He intended because I couldn't be patient.  So when is it time to be impatient?  I know I've stayed busy to avoid these questions.  I feel like I'm aging quickly now and I don't understand that.  I think I could wait for whenever if I knew that I wouldn't have issues complicated when I'm five years older.  I'm just lost for answers.  I just want to give this to God, but I'm sure my participation in the solutions is required.  This is too much for me to handle alone.  Andy has been great, but I feel like I'm holding him back from the life I know he wants.  He's ready to move on and I'm stuck.  My questions are what do we do if nothing works?  What dod we do then and when do we look at alternatives?  I'm just really overwhelmed.  I just hate it that I'm broken.  I just feel empty inside and feel sorry for him.