Overwhelmed and Empty

After much hesitance I'm again trying to journal out my thoughts and feelings.  Right now it's hard to sum up what I'm thinking.  About a month ago we went through clomid once again.  Of course it failed and we're essentially no closer to finding out what's wrong with me.  My next option is a specialist and for whatever reason, it feels like failure.  There's a tremendous amount of disappointment and guilt that I have yet to get a handle on.  On one hand, I keep thinking maybe we need to wait.  I enjoy our freedom and ability to move at a moment's notice.  But how often is that?  It's just nice, but we're slowing down and enjoying being home.  It's in this slowing down I feel the "empties."  It's beyond the "baby blues."  I just feel that I'm missing a part of what I supposed to have.  I feel like I'm grieving that missing part and that is the strangest feeling.  If I were losing something it would be a definite set of circumstances, but this is just an ongoing set of maybes and speculation.  If it were definite, I would know that there is an end in sight.  This is a perpetual and nagging pain.  The guilt comes in when I look at all my weight gain in the past 2-3 years.  I keep reassuring myself that this could be the situation no matter what weight I'm at.  And that makes it seem more hopeless.  There's so much and I don't care to share with others.  I don't want "Oh I've been there" when I don't feel like they understand me all that well.  I don't want a list of helpful tips.  I don't want a list of referrals and/or anecdotes of friends of friends to comfort me.

There is no comfort.  I am broken and there is no comfort for this.  And the next step is obvious, but difficult. The specialist will diagnose (with time) what the issues are with me, but I'm scared to death of the treatment.  Although I want children badly, I don't want to RUSH things out of God's plans and end with with a different scenario than He intended because I couldn't be patient.  So when is it time to be impatient?  I know I've stayed busy to avoid these questions.  I feel like I'm aging quickly now and I don't understand that.  I think I could wait for whenever if I knew that I wouldn't have issues complicated when I'm five years older.  I'm just lost for answers.  I just want to give this to God, but I'm sure my participation in the solutions is required.  This is too much for me to handle alone.  Andy has been great, but I feel like I'm holding him back from the life I know he wants.  He's ready to move on and I'm stuck.  My questions are what do we do if nothing works?  What dod we do then and when do we look at alternatives?  I'm just really overwhelmed.  I just hate it that I'm broken.  I just feel empty inside and feel sorry for him.  

Clomid: Take 1

So we are at day 13 and waiting.  Clomid began this cycle, which was shorter and closer to regular.  Hot flashes and crazy emotions are my closest friendemies right now.  It's just difficult to wait.  Very difficult.  And I'm hopeful that this will work.  I'm monitoring to make sure I don't miss it- even if it is pretty early.  On top of waiting, I'm also having myself checked for other health issues.  My side started hurting last November and the doctors haven't given me much to go on except that I need a bunch of tests before they tell me anything.  So a barium diet and cat scan later, I'm bracing for the laxatives today and a colonoscopy tomorrow... Really?? This is why people hate going to the doctor.  Hopefully we can figure out the pain in my side and if it is a digestive issue, get it under control before I do get pregnant.  So hormonally unstable and in the midst of poopiness.  Not good. I threatened to kill my husband and his friend if they don't find somewhere else to hang out today.  I think he finally gets why and told me to journal that he loves me.

Journal

So a lot can change in a short amount of time.  Still I'm negative, but great news is that I've began my period early this month (well 35 days should never be early).  So, I'm able to start the Clomid and that is a new step.  I'm excited to try again. I'm also hoping my body will start adjusting itself.  I've been exercising and watching my food, but it's hard to stay focused.

Stranger than all this was a phone call I received from my best friend.  I was blindsided with the news tht she was pregnant.  I talked to her and congratulated her not knowing what else to say but, "Wow" and "are you kidding?"  It was like trying to not think abou tthe obvious obvious irony of the situation.  I began fertility treatment and she was pregnant.  She also was facing PCOS and assumed that she would have huge issues getting pregnant, but then all of a sudden.. tada!  Welcome motherhood.

While I'm relieved for her, it just feels a little lonelier in this boat.  If I were an atheist, I don't know how I'd handle it.  Knowing God has timing and purpose is helping.  The last thing I want is to be jealous or bitter.  She has had such a crazy time lately and I'm genuinely happy for her.  And it is hopeful being that she has PCOS and still God gets the last word.  And anyone who doesn't have to go through the meds and treatments- YAY!  It's so much easier.  I am just trusting God knows what He is doing and so I keep learning and trying.

It's hard to look forward to meds and the waiting - I hate the waiting.  I could handle it if I felt like my body was semi-enthusiastic or semi cooperative.  But as of yet it's not and I'm sure I'll be ready when it is.  It does make it difficult to see God perform a miracle and then feel that I'm taking matters into my own hands by accepting treatment.  I remember conversations with friends about others taking extreme measures to get pregnant.  I remember my friend saying that maybe God is telling them something and that they should not try to force things.  I'm trusting we're not forcing things.  I'm trying to be patient and not go insane with trying and embrace the time we have preparing and attempting to have a baby.  I am trying to view it openly and as a positive experience even if it is taking forever.

Journal

So here I am once again disappointed and preparing to test to confirm there's no baby here.  I've been through these times before and it usually stops my heart.  Last September I went into the doctor to discuss options and we ran blood tests on the 3rd day of my period.  Unfortunately, my period didn't come after my normal 45 day wait.  She induced the period and tests confirmed negative for the PCOS which I've been diagnosed with since my early 20's.  So last month we've monitored ovulation, as it seems that is the missing component.  On December 14th, it seemed to give a small line and we acted as though it were a positive.  I was hopeful, but after hearing Andy doubt, I realize the slim chances I have before me.  And then no period- still no period... It's so miserable.  My emotions are everywhere.  I'm ready to cry daily and don't see much relief until I get straightened out.  So three days ago I tested.  I was hoping maybe.  And nothing, as I had suspected, but did not want to find true.  So today I have to confirm.  It's not only my own compulsion, but the box suggested.  I am now 19 days from my suspected ovulation days.  And I'm going to go and I will likely end up empty handed.  But we'll try again, probably with some help.

And again, I'm negative... Argh

Journal

Today I am nearing 60 days with no period and its pretty frustrating.  We stopped the pill on March 11th.  I was scared that we'd end up pregnant immediately, but now I have the opposite fear.  This is nothing new to bring.  Women have held this responsibility forever: to carry proudly a new life into the world.  Unfortunately to also carry guilt when you cannot carry a baby.  

I don't view it as a curse or that God is mad at me, there is still that feeling of urgency.  There's a feeling of "why?" I don't feel completely bitter when I see women with babies and hear them regret their children, but it's growing.  I pray that I can just focus on my God who ultimately is the One whom understands and decides who has a child and when.  I know that I don't understand why some have children when they seem to not fit my personal standards or hurt their children because they'd rather they not be there.  I've seen some awful things, but those things turn to questions of why God does what He does and I am not qualified to ask the questions Job asked.  I just trust for a miracle from the God that loves and blesses me.