Week Five

I have a doctor's appointment in one week.  One whole week.  I wish that I could relax and take this all in, but instead I'm waiting with the Worst Case Scenario book in hand.  I'm truly not a pessimist, but I just don't want to get my hopes up.  I have a month of crucial weeks to get through before a celebration.  I am sad that I just don't feel different right now.  Last time I felt like I had this life in me and it was amazing.  But this time is so different.  I feel emotionally different, my body feels different, my cravings are different... It's just not the same.  I think at times I feel guilty for not automatically feeling like a mom.  I just want to know it's real before I get ahead of myself again.  I love this baby and I talk to June Bug every day.  But I'm still emotionally raw from last time.  Let's keep in mind that that was just three months and two days ago.

I'm also paranoid about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Larry came down with an awful case of the flu while at our house on Saturday and I've been cleaning ever since.  Fever scares me.  My cravings are so different and that scares me.  Weird sensations in my belly scare me.  As does one million other things scare me.  But I'm just praying that God will keep me healthy and be with this little one.  I'm praying for health, growth and a heart beat.   I cannot live in fear.  I am cautious, but my heart must be on the table or this life just is not worth it.  Deep breaths.... Lots of deep breaths...

Doctor Visit

So, we went to the doctor as already scheduled.  This round is far different since we weren't using any fertility meds.  I was fearful going into the appointment.  I was worried that perhaps things hadn't settled where they should or that the test was maybe off.  Of course the doctor assumed that we were there for the consult until the assistant pointed out that we had a positive test the day before.

The ultrasound showed a very young 4 week plus a few days baby circle.  Too small to even get a due date to calculate.  I was hoping that we would be at the five week mark, but we aren't.  In the whirlwind, we learned that it's early and less meds since we are working on our own at this point.  This is exciting.  I hate taking more meds than I have to.  But even though I'm glad to be here, there is a sense of deja vu from last time.

I have to admit that I'm having a tough time embracing this until I get passed the 7-8 week.  I want to believe that September will bring me a beautiful baby, but I don't want to be naive in light of this past year.  But I feel great.  I'm sleepy and my belly is stretching out and I'm craving more pot pies.  I feel pregnant and it's without all the meds I was relying on last time.  I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy the time I have.  I know the risks, but I have to believe that this could finally be it.  God's been whispering things in my ear that have not made sense this whole time- until now.  So, I have no choice but to move in faith.


Next appointment on Jan. 25th and it seems a million miles away.

well...

So today is day 36.  My timing shows me to be a day late.   And I've been counting down the days as the emotional overloads have been a bit much lately.  But then there are all the weird things that always accompany me.  The backaches, craving fruit and pot pies, pants aren't fitting and I'm not gaining weight, tired, and waking up sick for the New Year... So, I can't lie. I've been hopeful and I have maybe tested a little earlier... New Year's Eve I tested and nothing.  Andy has been through my suspicions so many times before that he was finally told me to stop testing until I was actually late.  And then I checked again last week before taking Nyquil for my reoccurring sinus infection/cold thing.  I couldn't help it.  I just get paranoid that finally it might happen and I'm not following the "rules."  But it was a no.  I promised myself again to not test again until I actually was late.

So yesterday came and went with little fanfare.  Braced for the emotions, today was a day to check.  While I feel fullness and weird, it can always be explained away.  I knew that the test would tell me no again and I would wail again.  The emotions have been so strong lately.  I am just grateful that I serve a God that is big enough to take them in and hold me, despite myself.  Last night at church, it was mentioned that if we leave Jesus to serve another master, we will only find death.  And so, I've embraced that He has not forgotten me and will stay near me through it.

Four drops later the test strip begins to change and a second line appears.  I am in shock.  I can't believe it.  I expected the usual no.  I wanted Andy to be the first to see, but I doubted a positive.  So, like a good scientist, I repeated the test and left to time it out and wake Andy.  Maybe it's a fluke.  Finally I got him awake to go check.

"What's it supposed to look like?  Wait.  Why are there two tests?"  he asked.  I asked him if they matched and explained that I didn't trust the first test (they were from the dollar store after all).  He then tells me they look alike.  I ran in.  He didn't really know what that meant.  Finally, I got it out and we just stared at each other.  After all the waiting and all the grief of this past year, really?


So, not believing my tests from Deals, he went to Walgreen's to get a "real" test and retest for the same results.

I called the doc and let them know that it looks like we will need an ob visit tomorrow instead of a consult.  God is so good. 

What I am Not

As a woman working through infertility, I am in the middle of an all star cast.  I like to think of Hannah, Rachel and Sarah of the Bible.  Strong, devoted, at times misunderstood and always genuine with emotion and feeling.  Many celebrities have endured the same battle.  Even with their tabloid, surreal existence, they are working through it (though you don't usually know their battle until they can display the baby bump of victory).  So other than these stories and my dear friends that have shared with me, I'm left with television and movies depiction of what infertility is like for other people.    And there is little I can share with the Hollywood rendition of barrenness.  I am not at all these women.  And I am not the woman that many people associate with inferility and criticize.  And while it's hard to describe what this battle has made me into to, I'm sure that these are some of the things I am not.

I am not a neurotic woman that I see in the movies.  I am not pushing my own agenda about that of which God is laying before me by seeking help from doctors and medication.  I am not the next Octomom.  I am not frail.  I am not helpless.  I am not faithless.  I am not incomplete without a baby.  I am not made of steel and I do have feelings.  I am not incapable of having happiness for others.  I am not ready to hear about your personal birth story and all it's glory.  I am not obsessed, but I am not oblivious.  I am not inconsolable, but I am not interested in hearing every successful infertility story.  I am not worried about beating my biological clock, but I am aware that it's ticking.  I am not pessimistic.  I am not worried.  I am not demure.  I am not alone.  I am not hormonally stable, but I am still rational (most of the time).  I am not desperate for this to go my way.  I am not willing to let my body continue to work improperly.  I am not bitter, but I may not be able to attend every baby shower this year.  I am not behind in life.  I am not rushing this.  I am not content to stay still.  I am not able to answer you when you ask when we will have a baby.  I am not opposed to babies, in fact I love them.  I am not a rag doll that can be tossed around by your perception of what I am going through.

Yeah that's about it for now.  God bless you if you are not like these things like me.

Empty

I made it through the holidays in one piece. I think that overall, I'm handling myself well. It is difficult not to get cynical and jaded. There's a verse that relates to me right now:

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

- Romans 5:3

However, that is only if we choose to let our "sufferings" produce good things in our lives. If we fight it, we lose the benefits and lose our selves to it's harsh conditioning. It an unfair fight and a battle that your will must lose in order to embrace the love that God is offering to ease the pain of long standing, painstakingly long waiting. It's in the waiting that we see that we are powerless against the world around us and subject to a God that is in charge. I can only control the matters that I can control. I can work to better my habits, my body, my conditioning, my everything- but in the end it's only God that can form life and share that with me.

That's humbling. I can get my weight perfect, my diet perfect, my environment perfect, my timing perfect, yet it is still not in my hands other than giving God room to move. So I'm at this place of submission. But if I choose to fight against where God will lead me, I will chafe and continue to grow empty. If I choose to reject the things He hands me daily to bless me and let go of the promise that He has not forgotten me, the sparrow, then I will grow empty. If I choose to count the number of couples around me having beautiful babies and compare their holiness to mine, I will continue to grow empty.

There is an emptiness that God grants me. This is the emptiness that allows me to see Him and feel His presence in my life. This is the emptiness that pushes me onward into His arms because I have no where else to go. Like the disciples that have gone before Him, I cling to His side. (verse) This is the emptiness that allows me to become full again. These are the very moments when I can see distinctly that I am human, full of emotion and flesh, and God has granted me vision, desire, peace and a plan. However convoluted the journey seems. It is one that I alone must make. Even my beloved cannot help me here. It's a place only God and I sit, right now in darkness, but eventually the morning will find us.

This is how I must interpret these days. Though it feels at times more like being dragged where I do not want to go (John 21.18). At times I feel that God alone can help me and fix me, but has decided to test me instead. This is the other side of empty. The ugly, self absorbed and hungry side. This empty demands what it cannot have and accuses those that can have it. This is an empty with a lid that allows nothing to enter and nothing to leave. It's the epitome of lonliness and full of the deceit that God has abandoned me for any number of justified reasons.

I am empty. Figuratively, emotionally, spiritually, increasingly... However, it is the type of empty that I embrace that will give me the fullness of life that was promised to me. To pour myself out and look to God to fill me back up when I have nothing reserved for me. It's a full dependence and reliance on a God that has lately only been a whisper beyond my ears. But I know Him and I will wait on Him... through this very long night.

Testing

So in the middle of my crazy, my back is killing me and I keep eating fruit like it's the most amazing thing ever.  My stomach is a mess.  Took another test today to be sure.  And nothing.  It makes me sad cause I would prefer to be, but I'm slowly getting used to the enduring testing.  It's hard not to think about it, so I thought I would brace myself early for the negative.  Ugh why do I do this to myself?  Really?

Andy brought me flowers and a card.  I know that he loves me.  I wish I didn't hurt so that he wouldn't hurt.  But he keeps me going and I thank God for that.

update

So the very next day I miscarried.  Although it was miserable, it still somehow physically was not as bad as I had feared.  The worst part was the emotional.  Your dreams for the coming year just slip from your hands.  It sucks.  There's no other way to describe it other than it sucks and you feel empty... again.  There is no fairness in it.  There may be a plan, but it sure doesn't feel like it.  It just sucks.

Monday I went for the D&C and completed everything.  Emotionally I was raw at that point.  I just don't understand how or why God would give me such a present and then allow it to be taken.  I am trying not to go there, but I am a human with human feelings.  And on top of that I'm in the midst of a baby boom... I currently can name at least 10 couples expecting.  I'm not jealous.  I'm just confused and feel a little forgotten.  I waited on God for so much, but this is wearing me thin for certain.  My faith remains that God will be with us and work in His time, but my heart aches.  I feel so ready, but since it's not working I second guess myself.  Surely I would be a good mother, but all this chips away at that confidence.

Which brings me to the next point.  Laying in my bed lamenting my situation as I should not do, but have done since October.  In the past few months, I have hosted the Halloween party that we were supposed to announce the pregnancy at, I went to my mother's where I was supposed to get a bassinet, and entered the season of expectation all together non-expectant.  I just felt hurt and foolish for believing this was going to work.  I don't understand why God would not just say no in the first place.  And that's where I was, curled up on the bed mid-December trying to put together and reconcile the last three months.  And that's also where God was, right there in the middle of my whining.  He could have said no to our getting pregnant, but I would then be just as hopeless as I was before, feeling that I would never get pregnant.  He could have, but instead- even though this whole thing sucks, He gave me hope.  It was not meant as a taunt, but the timing was not right.  The lessons learned while going through this are what I need to grow.  I just wish there was another way, but there is not.

So, in the midst of the midst of it all I forgave God for taking this from me.  I forgave myself for being angry with everyone/thing.  And I named my baby.  She has added to my life and for that deserves her own name.  Because before her I had no hope to ever get pregnant, I named her Hope.  It still hurts and nags in me, but I can start to let go. And I think God has forgiven me, too.