What I am Not

As a woman working through infertility, I am in the middle of an all star cast.  I like to think of Hannah, Rachel and Sarah of the Bible.  Strong, devoted, at times misunderstood and always genuine with emotion and feeling.  Many celebrities have endured the same battle.  Even with their tabloid, surreal existence, they are working through it (though you don't usually know their battle until they can display the baby bump of victory).  So other than these stories and my dear friends that have shared with me, I'm left with television and movies depiction of what infertility is like for other people.    And there is little I can share with the Hollywood rendition of barrenness.  I am not at all these women.  And I am not the woman that many people associate with inferility and criticize.  And while it's hard to describe what this battle has made me into to, I'm sure that these are some of the things I am not.

I am not a neurotic woman that I see in the movies.  I am not pushing my own agenda about that of which God is laying before me by seeking help from doctors and medication.  I am not the next Octomom.  I am not frail.  I am not helpless.  I am not faithless.  I am not incomplete without a baby.  I am not made of steel and I do have feelings.  I am not incapable of having happiness for others.  I am not ready to hear about your personal birth story and all it's glory.  I am not obsessed, but I am not oblivious.  I am not inconsolable, but I am not interested in hearing every successful infertility story.  I am not worried about beating my biological clock, but I am aware that it's ticking.  I am not pessimistic.  I am not worried.  I am not demure.  I am not alone.  I am not hormonally stable, but I am still rational (most of the time).  I am not desperate for this to go my way.  I am not willing to let my body continue to work improperly.  I am not bitter, but I may not be able to attend every baby shower this year.  I am not behind in life.  I am not rushing this.  I am not content to stay still.  I am not able to answer you when you ask when we will have a baby.  I am not opposed to babies, in fact I love them.  I am not a rag doll that can be tossed around by your perception of what I am going through.

Yeah that's about it for now.  God bless you if you are not like these things like me.