Week Five

I have a doctor's appointment in one week.  One whole week.  I wish that I could relax and take this all in, but instead I'm waiting with the Worst Case Scenario book in hand.  I'm truly not a pessimist, but I just don't want to get my hopes up.  I have a month of crucial weeks to get through before a celebration.  I am sad that I just don't feel different right now.  Last time I felt like I had this life in me and it was amazing.  But this time is so different.  I feel emotionally different, my body feels different, my cravings are different... It's just not the same.  I think at times I feel guilty for not automatically feeling like a mom.  I just want to know it's real before I get ahead of myself again.  I love this baby and I talk to June Bug every day.  But I'm still emotionally raw from last time.  Let's keep in mind that that was just three months and two days ago.

I'm also paranoid about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Larry came down with an awful case of the flu while at our house on Saturday and I've been cleaning ever since.  Fever scares me.  My cravings are so different and that scares me.  Weird sensations in my belly scare me.  As does one million other things scare me.  But I'm just praying that God will keep me healthy and be with this little one.  I'm praying for health, growth and a heart beat.   I cannot live in fear.  I am cautious, but my heart must be on the table or this life just is not worth it.  Deep breaths.... Lots of deep breaths...