So yesterday the cramping had continued and was getting stronger. I called my doctor to request another look and then for the d&c if we can confirm the same info. They were booked so I was advised to go to the ER and have them check things out. After much waiting to finally give a sample for a bladder infection test. The midwife returned and asked if I was concerned about the baby. I said that I was and she performed another ultrasound.
After a lot of looking she told me that I was not as far along as I had thought and that the baby was 6 weeks 3 days by measurement. Although I didn't tell her much because in all actuality I wanted a second opinion, I knew this couldn't be right if we had HCG counts in the beginning of September. By that calendar I am in the 9th week. By the end I had completely confused this nurse and myself. I thought that perhaps the baby had stopped developing then and a d&c would likely be needed in the upcoming weeks to prevent infection. But the nurse was convinced that I am still pregnant, called my doctor and they ordered another ultrasound today.
I called my doctor as instructed and was put through to assistants in the office. They were unsure of much of anything, let alone what to expect. I do not know how this is supposed to go. I do not know how this baby could possibly be six weeks. I do not know how the doctor was sure enough to recommend a d&c and now feel that this pregnancy could be a viable one. And I do not know why God could not just give me the cut and dry permission to let this baby go. I'm so spent today. The appointment is in an hour. And I'm praying if this is not going to work, please give me that peace to let go. If the baby is somehow still alive, that it's ok. I'm just really lost and really need God to give me clarity, wisdom and strength to get through today.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
more of the same
The emotions I have are simply overwhelming at this point. I do not want to do much of anything and I am forcing myself to do most anything lately. There is a fear of being still too long that keeps me moving. It's still just too much to sit and think a lot about. Just in spurts.
Everything in my mind is beginning to switch. I was so convinced that we needed to have a d&c to close this chapter and heal. Now I'm seeing where someone could be missing something and what if I finalize a decision that is not mine to make. Although I doubt that this is what is going on and fully believe that I am now officially in denial, I will still need to double check.
What I really want is to go to the doctor and him tell me my body's misshape through them off and there is a live healthy baby. However, with what we did see and how my body has felt, I don't think that is at all where we are headed. I just need to know what to do. This in between is killing me. I have to be prepared for Lazarus not to come from the tomb and accept that God can/will work through all circumstances.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Defeated
Today is another long day since Friday. Friday morning I went in to the doctor with a bit of anticipation. I was realistic, but still hopeful that we were still on course for a healthy pregnancy. However, that was not the finding. Another ultrasound showed that there was an embryo growing between 7-8 weeks. There were two yoke sacs, one baby and no heartbeat. I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm just disappointed. I just desperately wanted this to work out. It's just been a long two and half years. I just feel like we were finally moving into this new phase and in the end, it's just another fact finding experiment. I was just so proud to be in the group with all the soon to be moms, the maternity section, searching for names and enjoying it. I was so excited to finally get this far, and even though I knew it may be short lived, I just prayed that it would finally be true. I'm just so tired of the fighting. It just seemed that God was leading us in this direction, and now to put all those feelings back on the shelf is just exhausting.
The problem now lies in the fact that the baby, though lifeless, continues to grow. It appears to be nothing more than a chromosomal issue causing it (evidenced by the two yoke sacs). There is a larger baby now and obviously no heartbeat. The medical preference is a D&C to go ahead and remove the baby since the viability of the pregnancy is no more. This is likely the more safer option. However, I begged God to not put me in this position. I already feel as though I've taken the reigns to begin a fertility treatment and now I feel that I do not want to be responsible to end it. I know that if the baby is already gone, it's gone. But I just have a hard time finalizing that. I've been told by some to go through the experience gives a sense of closure. I do not think I need to go through the pain of the miscarriage to grieve. I've grieved a lot over not getting pregnant to know how to grieve. Andy's fear is the same as mine, and that is what if there is somehow a mistake. It's so unlikely, but if you are the one to call it quits, you have to be able to live knowing that you made the right decision.
Carrying out through the miscarriage would be the natural way and I would not have to make the decision. I know that Andy is just as emotionally invested in this as I am and I don't want to cut short his grieving or to somehow cheapen this whole experience. I certainly know that my tendency to rush through painful events so that I can deal with them in reflection instead of when they are on going is not always healthy. I just don't think dragging this out is healthy either. I'm just in a quandary and feel that once the cramping begins, I'll go in for a reevaluation to be sure and likely the D&C.
It's just a terrible, terrible thing to know that your belly is not holding a baby anymore. Your plans for the next nine months have drastically changed again. And though I know that God is still a good God and in charge, I just wish that He would make this work. But I think He has said no this time. I know He hears me, I just wish He would have said yes. My heart was just very ready this time.
The problem now lies in the fact that the baby, though lifeless, continues to grow. It appears to be nothing more than a chromosomal issue causing it (evidenced by the two yoke sacs). There is a larger baby now and obviously no heartbeat. The medical preference is a D&C to go ahead and remove the baby since the viability of the pregnancy is no more. This is likely the more safer option. However, I begged God to not put me in this position. I already feel as though I've taken the reigns to begin a fertility treatment and now I feel that I do not want to be responsible to end it. I know that if the baby is already gone, it's gone. But I just have a hard time finalizing that. I've been told by some to go through the experience gives a sense of closure. I do not think I need to go through the pain of the miscarriage to grieve. I've grieved a lot over not getting pregnant to know how to grieve. Andy's fear is the same as mine, and that is what if there is somehow a mistake. It's so unlikely, but if you are the one to call it quits, you have to be able to live knowing that you made the right decision.
Carrying out through the miscarriage would be the natural way and I would not have to make the decision. I know that Andy is just as emotionally invested in this as I am and I don't want to cut short his grieving or to somehow cheapen this whole experience. I certainly know that my tendency to rush through painful events so that I can deal with them in reflection instead of when they are on going is not always healthy. I just don't think dragging this out is healthy either. I'm just in a quandary and feel that once the cramping begins, I'll go in for a reevaluation to be sure and likely the D&C.
It's just a terrible, terrible thing to know that your belly is not holding a baby anymore. Your plans for the next nine months have drastically changed again. And though I know that God is still a good God and in charge, I just wish that He would make this work. But I think He has said no this time. I know He hears me, I just wish He would have said yes. My heart was just very ready this time.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Hope
Yesterday we went in to the final doctor visit. I was not sure what to expect, as we were living in a 20% ratio of hope. With a lot of prayer and a lot of nervous energy we entered the office. I didn't want to go to be honest. I think I was content with guessing for another day versus learning all was lost and we'd have to start again.
The ultrasound began and within seconds there was a cheer from the doctor. A flicker of a heartbeat was detected! The ultrasound then malfunctioned and would not get close enough for him to really see the baby inside the gestational sac. We then waited in the waiting room as the other machine was in use. It made the morning long, but the conversation with Andy in between was helpful. Even though we've been together through this ordeal, it was good to hear how he felt. In the midst of this whole ordeal, most of our discussion on the topic has been with God and not so much with each other.
Into the next room we go. The doctor looks and ironically enough the other machine gave a better picture. However, we could see the heart beat which prove that we still have a viable pregnancy. However, the heartbeat is far too irregular for 8 weeks. Our hope now is that we found the baby right away and that we are even further behind than thought. Chlomid is a very unpredictable drug and late ovulations would not be uncommon (nor multiple ovulations in the same cycle). So with a heartbeat, we are going back in on Friday to revisit again. Our percentage has gone from 20 to 50%, so it is a bit more optimistic, but still very unclear what God will do here.
If growth and size is not visible again, we will go for a second opinion as this baby may not be okay. However, if the growth occurs that is expected at late 6 to 7 weeks- we may have a "wall flower" hiding out. By Friday we will need to see growth. I'm praying that the flickering heartbeat is from a bashful, growing baby.
The ultrasound began and within seconds there was a cheer from the doctor. A flicker of a heartbeat was detected! The ultrasound then malfunctioned and would not get close enough for him to really see the baby inside the gestational sac. We then waited in the waiting room as the other machine was in use. It made the morning long, but the conversation with Andy in between was helpful. Even though we've been together through this ordeal, it was good to hear how he felt. In the midst of this whole ordeal, most of our discussion on the topic has been with God and not so much with each other.
Into the next room we go. The doctor looks and ironically enough the other machine gave a better picture. However, we could see the heart beat which prove that we still have a viable pregnancy. However, the heartbeat is far too irregular for 8 weeks. Our hope now is that we found the baby right away and that we are even further behind than thought. Chlomid is a very unpredictable drug and late ovulations would not be uncommon (nor multiple ovulations in the same cycle). So with a heartbeat, we are going back in on Friday to revisit again. Our percentage has gone from 20 to 50%, so it is a bit more optimistic, but still very unclear what God will do here.
If growth and size is not visible again, we will go for a second opinion as this baby may not be okay. However, if the growth occurs that is expected at late 6 to 7 weeks- we may have a "wall flower" hiding out. By Friday we will need to see growth. I'm praying that the flickering heartbeat is from a bashful, growing baby.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Roller Coaster
So this week has been an emotional roller coaster for sure. Wednesday I came home after the ball game and just really let it all out. It was just time to cry and really let out how I feel. Though I know that God is in charge, I can't act like I am okay with it if I'm not. So, I reached out to the only One that can heal me. I figure if He's big enough to make this whole world, He can handle my emotions too. I just wish that we had seen an issue coming. We knew it was early and that this was possible- but to get this far and get told likely that it won't work out with no real certainty is a lot to handle. So, I let Him handle it. Not that crying makes it better, but I bottle so much and keep appearances so much, that it did feel good. The heartache I was feeling finally had a release so that it is real, but not bottled up inside as I usually do.
I slept well finally and Thursday was a day to keep going. I dressed up for work and tried to remember that it is not full and final. I found websites that discussed misdiagnosis of the same condition and they were in fact fine. Each body is so different that sometimes the ultrasounds can be wrong. I talked to my mom and she reminded me of all the things the doctors predicted about me and how I was just fine. I went to a baby clothes store. Even though this may not pan out the way I'd like, my time will come. And I have to celebrate until told otherwise.
Then came Friday. The off and on cramping and change in the way my belly feels definitely gives me an ominous feel. I've been nauseous most of this week and when it's not nausea it's indigestion. So my eating is off. My weight is holding pretty steady. But as I've researched, that means very little. I came into work late and struggled to focus. The prayers I've requested are coming in with the strength and grace I feel from God. But I'm still distracted. A fire drill added to the fun of the day. By lunchtime I realized one of the prescribed patches had come loose and I needed to refill the prescription to replace it. So, I left. I was gone for about an hour and half and struggled to go back in to finish out the day. But I did. Not my best day, but I finished. I also have a sinus infection starting (teach me not to take the Claritin). I felt like crap on top of feeling like crap.
We went to Pei Wei and it was baby mania. There were pregnant women with their cute bellies, and little ones running everywhere. I know that I have to be patient right now, but I was kinda sad to be honest. I'm just a little low on hope I guess. Andy has been very supportive and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I worry about him b/c he's fairly certain that this is not going to work. When I brought up the long shots of the doctor being wrong, he is taking the realist approach while I'm avoiding it at times.
Today I don't really feel very pregnant. I cancelled the photo shoot I had planned and will make food and stay in. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like crying at home. And I don't feel like getting dressed. In fact, I don't feel much of anything. I'm just in a numb state today. I don't really feel scared or sad or angry. Maybe I'm just too tired for those energy consuming emotions. I'm just tired of feeling.
I slept well finally and Thursday was a day to keep going. I dressed up for work and tried to remember that it is not full and final. I found websites that discussed misdiagnosis of the same condition and they were in fact fine. Each body is so different that sometimes the ultrasounds can be wrong. I talked to my mom and she reminded me of all the things the doctors predicted about me and how I was just fine. I went to a baby clothes store. Even though this may not pan out the way I'd like, my time will come. And I have to celebrate until told otherwise.
Then came Friday. The off and on cramping and change in the way my belly feels definitely gives me an ominous feel. I've been nauseous most of this week and when it's not nausea it's indigestion. So my eating is off. My weight is holding pretty steady. But as I've researched, that means very little. I came into work late and struggled to focus. The prayers I've requested are coming in with the strength and grace I feel from God. But I'm still distracted. A fire drill added to the fun of the day. By lunchtime I realized one of the prescribed patches had come loose and I needed to refill the prescription to replace it. So, I left. I was gone for about an hour and half and struggled to go back in to finish out the day. But I did. Not my best day, but I finished. I also have a sinus infection starting (teach me not to take the Claritin). I felt like crap on top of feeling like crap.
We went to Pei Wei and it was baby mania. There were pregnant women with their cute bellies, and little ones running everywhere. I know that I have to be patient right now, but I was kinda sad to be honest. I'm just a little low on hope I guess. Andy has been very supportive and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I worry about him b/c he's fairly certain that this is not going to work. When I brought up the long shots of the doctor being wrong, he is taking the realist approach while I'm avoiding it at times.
Today I don't really feel very pregnant. I cancelled the photo shoot I had planned and will make food and stay in. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like crying at home. And I don't feel like getting dressed. In fact, I don't feel much of anything. I'm just in a numb state today. I don't really feel scared or sad or angry. Maybe I'm just too tired for those energy consuming emotions. I'm just tired of feeling.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)