more of the same

The emotions I have are simply overwhelming at this point.  I do not want to do much of anything and I am forcing myself to do most anything lately.  There is a fear of being still too long that keeps me moving.  It's still just too much to sit and think a lot about.  Just in spurts.  

Everything in my mind is beginning to switch.  I was so convinced that we needed to have a d&c to close this chapter and heal.  Now I'm seeing where someone could be missing something and what if I finalize a decision that is not mine to make.  Although I doubt that this is what is going on and fully believe that I am now officially in denial, I will still need to double check.  

What I really want is to go to the doctor and him tell me my body's misshape through them off and there is a live healthy baby.  However, with what we did see and how my body has felt, I don't think that is at all where we are headed.  I just need to know what to do.  This in between is killing me.  I have to be prepared for Lazarus not to come from the tomb and accept that God can/will work through all circumstances.