So this week has been an emotional roller coaster for sure. Wednesday I came home after the ball game and just really let it all out. It was just time to cry and really let out how I feel. Though I know that God is in charge, I can't act like I am okay with it if I'm not. So, I reached out to the only One that can heal me. I figure if He's big enough to make this whole world, He can handle my emotions too. I just wish that we had seen an issue coming. We knew it was early and that this was possible- but to get this far and get told likely that it won't work out with no real certainty is a lot to handle. So, I let Him handle it. Not that crying makes it better, but I bottle so much and keep appearances so much, that it did feel good. The heartache I was feeling finally had a release so that it is real, but not bottled up inside as I usually do.
I slept well finally and Thursday was a day to keep going. I dressed up for work and tried to remember that it is not full and final. I found websites that discussed misdiagnosis of the same condition and they were in fact fine. Each body is so different that sometimes the ultrasounds can be wrong. I talked to my mom and she reminded me of all the things the doctors predicted about me and how I was just fine. I went to a baby clothes store. Even though this may not pan out the way I'd like, my time will come. And I have to celebrate until told otherwise.
Then came Friday. The off and on cramping and change in the way my belly feels definitely gives me an ominous feel. I've been nauseous most of this week and when it's not nausea it's indigestion. So my eating is off. My weight is holding pretty steady. But as I've researched, that means very little. I came into work late and struggled to focus. The prayers I've requested are coming in with the strength and grace I feel from God. But I'm still distracted. A fire drill added to the fun of the day. By lunchtime I realized one of the prescribed patches had come loose and I needed to refill the prescription to replace it. So, I left. I was gone for about an hour and half and struggled to go back in to finish out the day. But I did. Not my best day, but I finished. I also have a sinus infection starting (teach me not to take the Claritin). I felt like crap on top of feeling like crap.
We went to Pei Wei and it was baby mania. There were pregnant women with their cute bellies, and little ones running everywhere. I know that I have to be patient right now, but I was kinda sad to be honest. I'm just a little low on hope I guess. Andy has been very supportive and I couldn't ask for a better husband. I worry about him b/c he's fairly certain that this is not going to work. When I brought up the long shots of the doctor being wrong, he is taking the realist approach while I'm avoiding it at times.
Today I don't really feel very pregnant. I cancelled the photo shoot I had planned and will make food and stay in. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like crying at home. And I don't feel like getting dressed. In fact, I don't feel much of anything. I'm just in a numb state today. I don't really feel scared or sad or angry. Maybe I'm just too tired for those energy consuming emotions. I'm just tired of feeling.
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