Yesterday was a very challenging day, but turned out very good. Started out yelling at random people in traffic and I decided this is not how I'm choosing to take this. Brought out some Disciple (?) and listened to some angry God music lol. I just didn't want to dig the hole deeper by being ugly. One of the songs, 103, really spoke to me (yeah from Disciple- which is usually just a lot of yelling). The lyrics:
Stained, wash me
As high as the heavens are above the earth
That's how far You've taken our sin from us
As far as the east is from the west
that is how far that you have removed our transgression from us
And I will sing Hallelujah
The part that got me was the chorus that just repeated that "I will sing hallelujah." I just couldn't get the line out. I was just so angry and hurt. But God- who is more patient than I give Him credit- steps into moments like these to remind me that He is my joy and my strength for any circumstance. The biggest battle is over my heart and if I will block God out because I think I know best. I have to trust right now that he is in charge and will be with me. To be strong enough to have this baby or strong enough to lose this baby- I NEED HIM.
I made it to work and got through the morning. The nausea was rolling, but I'm not sure how much is baby and how much are nerves. Likely a little both. I am just not sure what my body is doing. I just know that if anyone can save my baby, it's Jesus. And I know that if anyone can bring me through that disappointment of losing the baby, it's Jesus. So, in my head, I'm okay- it's my heart that teeters.
I got through the morning and to the game. The baseball game was good. I was able to share some of the situation which is good to get out and talk about. I didn't tell the boys because I think I needed the levity to keep me going. Derek has nominated himself as the baby namer. I'm not sure that will pan out for him. His last three suggestions were: Terrence Trent Darby Black, Angus Black, and finally Kalico Black. I'm doubtful those will ever be used. But I enjoyed the arguments for each of them.
The drive home was tough. All the tears that I still had welling up were just overwhelming. I managed to fight through traffic and get home. And I just cried. I just needed to let it all go and embrace that this may happen and that God can handle the tears and sobbing and anger. It's not His fault, but who else can comfort me. I took a shower and I wailed. I don't cry often and I certainly don't wail. But I needed to get it out and not keep it in. Poor Andy- I'm not sure at what point he came home, but I'm trying not to overwhelm him either. But thank God I have him. He's amazing and I would have given up by now if it weren't for his support. This is one of those situations that you don't want to risk. And I usually shy away from potentially painful situation. They suck. But regardless the outcome, I'm grateful to get this far even though my heart is heavy.
The low cramping is off and on and I'm nervous how this part even works. I just feel uneasy because I don't understand it all. I lost weight yesterday, but between my stomach issues and eating less, I'm not sure I buy that. But I don't feel the firmness in my belly. So, I'm not sure how this is going. I just know that God is going there with us.
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