Yesterday we went in for our 7th week check in. We braved through last week and didn't go in. We were hopeful to hear the heartbeat and to get a real due date. Unfortunately, when the ultrasound was done, the doctor was unable to find the baby. Occassionally the baby will cling to the walls of the uterus beyond the reach of the ultrasound or the calculation of how far along can be off. However, the doctor said he was 80% sure that I will miscarry. He has seen where they are hiding and occasionally will pop out of no where the following week, so he was trying to keep us positive. That's a tall order for 20% chance.
I feel dumb because I had just started to really open up about everything and tell more people. At first I felt kinda dumb, but I know that there is a purpose and that God has not brought us here to break us. I'm drawn to verses from Jeremiah and the story of Jarius' daughter. I felt awful yesterday and God's message was that He would be glorified through this ordeal. I don't really understand what that means, but I don't really understand any of this. We understood this was a risk, but with each week growing stronger, I felt that this was really it. Now I'm not sure of anything.
I was worried about the 7th week. I know it's a cut off of sorts because I've known others that have miscarried in this week. I just felt nauseous on Saturday and Sunday, but I've noticed that my appetite has changed and some other symptoms seemed a little less Monday and Tuesday (but that seemed normal). The cramping has been a little more and I've lost about half a pound. My heart is just very heavy today. If any one can save this situation and make it good, I know that God can. But I'm not sure what that will look like. Today is the baseball game for work, but I'd rather hide in bed. I'm just scared of hugs and pity and miscarrying while I'm at the game- heaven forbid.
Most of last night was thinking and not sleeping. I'm just sad, but perhaps the 20% chance will be ours. It's just not at all how I planned yesterday. *sigh* Now we pray and wait.
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