Defeated

Today is another long day since Friday.  Friday morning I went in to the doctor with a bit of anticipation.  I was realistic, but still hopeful that we were still on course for a healthy pregnancy.  However, that was not the finding.  Another ultrasound showed that there was an embryo growing between 7-8 weeks.  There were two yoke sacs, one baby and no heartbeat.  I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm just disappointed.  I just desperately wanted this to work out.  It's just been a long two and half years.  I just feel like we were finally moving into this new phase and in the end, it's just another fact finding experiment.  I was just so proud to be in the group with all the soon to be moms, the maternity section, searching for names and enjoying it.  I was so excited to finally get this far, and even though I knew it may be short lived, I just prayed that it would finally be true.  I'm just so tired of the fighting.  It just seemed that God was leading us in this direction, and now to put all those feelings back on the shelf is just exhausting.  

The problem now lies in the fact that the baby, though lifeless, continues to grow.  It appears to be nothing more than a chromosomal issue causing it (evidenced by the two yoke sacs).  There is a larger baby now and obviously no heartbeat.  The medical preference is a D&C to go ahead and remove the baby since the viability of the pregnancy is no more.  This is likely the more safer option.  However, I begged God to not put me in this position.  I already feel as though I've taken the reigns to begin a fertility treatment and now I feel that I do not want to be responsible to end it.  I know that if the baby is already gone, it's gone.  But I just have a hard time finalizing that.  I've been told by some to go through the experience gives a sense of closure.  I do not think I need to go through the pain of the miscarriage to grieve.  I've grieved a lot over not getting pregnant to know how to grieve.  Andy's fear is the same as mine, and that is what if there is somehow a mistake.  It's so unlikely, but if you are the one to call it quits, you have to be able to live knowing that you made the right decision.

Carrying out through the miscarriage would be the natural way and I would not have to make the decision.   I know that Andy is just as emotionally invested in this as I am and I don't want to cut short his grieving or to somehow cheapen this whole experience.  I certainly know that my tendency to rush through painful events so that I can deal with them in reflection instead of when they are on going is not always healthy.  I just don't think dragging this out is healthy either.  I'm just in a quandary and feel that once the cramping begins, I'll go in for a reevaluation to be sure and likely the D&C.

It's just a terrible, terrible thing to know that your belly is not holding a baby anymore.  Your plans for the next nine months have drastically changed again.  And though I know that God is still a good God and in charge, I just wish that He would make this work.  But I think He has said no this time.  I know He hears me, I just wish He would have said yes.   My heart was just very ready this time.