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Wiggles

So for the past week I've had little faint wiggles.  I woke up one night feeling a "woosh" brush by me (on the inside).  I held real still and felt it again going back the other way.  One thing is for sure after the last ultrasound, he/she is very active :-)  It's not a regular occurrence, but it seems to come when I really need that confirmation.  I think sometimes I'm getting little tapping kicks (esp at work).  I cannot wait to share this with Andy.  I can only describe it for now, but soon he'll be able to feel it too... just a few more weeks I'm sure.

Dreams of the 2nd Trimester

Ok it's only getting weirder...

I'm a sniper and I'm in the middle of an operation and I've found my target.  I've lined him up in the scope and I'm shooting and shooting and NOTHING!  So then I've given up my location and my bullets aren't landing!  I begin running for cover and then I wake up.

Andy and I are going to a nice restaurant that doubles as a spa with massage therapists on hand.  I am excited and we ask if they offer prenatal massage and if they have availability.  They explain that they do have a therapist that can do a prenatal massage, but only one therapist is available.  They take Andy by the hand and lead him into the room while I am left standing in the hallway.  I keep thinking he could at least split the time with me, but no, instead he waves at me as they shut the door.  I'm angry! And then I wake up.

I'm dog sitting for Niki.  She's moved into an apartment we lived in as kids.  She has a bouncy boxer and I feed the dog and then think to bring it to my house to play with Stella.  I start to wonder how this will work since I'm pregnant in the dream and don't want the dog pulling on me too much.  But he works with me and we get into the car.  Then I begin to worry if the dog is male or female since Stella is in heat (also is in real life).  I decide that we'll let the chips fall where they may and go home.  Then I wake up.

Week Thirteen!

  So I'm enjoying the last week of my first trimester.  I am not remembering anything and have a terrible time focusing.  I definitely do not feel much smarter right now.  My pants are reaching their thresholds and by this time next month, I will be out of them for sure.  Niki has moved up the wedding and I am still hesitant to wear formal dresses with a mo-mo belly.  She has been kind, so I do think I'll be comfortable (thank goodness).

This week and nearly in the last three days the belly has popped!  It's exciting to see that my broke down body is finally working on it's own.  Last ultrasound looked great, but they are concerned for my sugar levels and have tested me for gestational diabetes.  I'm praying that the last tests were off due to the large breakfast of biscuits and OJ.  Drank the nastiness today and gave my blood over to be tested.  Should know by Monday if I'm going to need even more tests.  Fingers crossed.  

Going public

I am getting ready to go public tonight.  A few more phone calls and out goes the news for public knowledge.  Does it make me nervous?  YES.  Going through this long process and even though I've been reassured that things are good, I kinda keep wanting to put this off until we check one more time.  I hate to be so cautious, but it is truly how I feel.  I'm just scared and excited all at the same time, which I have a feeling that is what parenting is going to be all about.  I do have a couple weeks until my next appointment.  I'll be so excited to see this little one wiggling about.  But until then, I'm ready to share the news and get some extra prayers.

Dreams

My dreams have been getting weirder and weirder... Here is a cross section of some of the more memorable ones.

So, I am working with my middle sister at Walgreen's (she works there in another state from me and I've never worked there).  But the boss is mean and rude and I decide that I am walking out.  I'm then conflicted because I need the money.  Niki is worried that they will fire her if I quit.  Then I wake up.

I am at my dad's house, but he's obviously moved to the coast in a fat house.  There is a cliff that I repel down (never done it, always wanted to).  I get near the bottom and realize I didn't loop the ropes correctly like a pulley  and I will be stuck down here.  My rope is also a bit shorter than needed.  Eventually I make my way to the ground.  I find a shortcut to the haunted basement of my dad's house.  I find my little sister playing in her room and play for a bit before leaving.  As I leave, I remember stories about spirits/demons in the basement hitting people and giving them concussions. I hear a door slam and I begin to pray, out loud... yelling and then I begin to foam at the mouth as I keep praying... what in the world???  Then I wake up.

I am at Jimmy John's and they are making me a ham sandwich (my favorite) without the ham, since I'm pregnant and shouldn't eat lunch meat.  They added extra cheese and it was amazing.  Then I wake up.  Hungry.

We are at a cabin on vacation with Andy's sister and cousin.  Andy's cousin is cooking the most fabulous scrambled eggs ever imagined (she can cook and I wish she'd come over with these eggs!).  Then I wake up.  Hungry.

I'm in a room that I don't recognize and Niki comes in from work.  She walks in and looks normal, but then she is crawling around in the floor with a diaper on.  But when she's facing me she's all grown up.  She goes to the bathroom to change the diaper and gets poo on the seat.  Obviously it's my house now and I'm yell at her for being gross.  She wipes it off with toilet paper and tells me to get over it as she walks out the house.  Then I wake up.

I wake up (in my dream) and go to the bathroom, but it's in our "new" house (we are planning on selling our house eventually).  I see that the rooms are elderly inspired by decoration and I get a little spooked.  I call for Andy and he doesn't answer and he's vanished from bed.  I then realize that this is not my house, I'm not really awake, so I keep screaming for Andy in the hopes that I will wake him to wake me in real life.  Too much inception explains this one.  Then I wake up.

I'm hanging out with a girl (and apparently traveling with her family) when we drive through Tulsa, OK.  I know it's Tulsa by the big rest stop/tourist trap with the big letters spelling it out.  At some point her parents wonder off and she begins to tell this family that her parents killed someone.  The parents come back and kill that family (crazy right). So then I'm trying to figure out how to get to the police with the info to stop them.  They threaten her and she tells them that she wants 2 million dollars to keep quiet.  They threaten to kill again if need be.  She told them that she had told her secret to several people and if she gets killed they have the proof that they did it.  I then realize that it's my cousin and her parents, Phil and Rosemary that are the parents (who are so harmless).  Then I wake up.

I'm not the only one with weird dreams though.  Andy's had wild dreams, most of which he becomes the hero of the story.  He's usually shooting, kicking or practicing MMA on some villain.  Except for the night I was tossing and turning.  He reached over and grabbed my hand.  Then he asks in clear, articulated words, "Are you expecting your first child?"  I immediately asked him what he was dreaming about.  He came to and couldn't answer me. He now tries to deny that happened.

Week Ten

Time is passing quickly lately.  Sleepy all the time, but the nausea is letting go.  Only barfed once- knock on wood!  So it's nearing our time to go public.  It was making me nervous, but I feel pretty good that things are going well and I feel healthy.  And hot!!! I am always hot!!    Mood swings?  Check!  Hot flashes?  Check!  Gotta go to the bathroom every two hours?  Check!

Getting ready to fill the grandparents in on the excitement.  We wanted to be sure before telling them. And it feels good to be at a place where we are pretty secure.  This weekend I hope to get to them all, then we can finally tell work and facebook.  It's amazing how far God can take you in just a few months.  Proves that if you ask God for something, He can answer in a huge way, but always in His own timing.  I'm trying to learn patience from all this or I know that the struggle is all for not if I don't.  

Did I mention that I can't really focus?  My brain is pulled in so many different directions and I have little memory for the short term lol.  My clothes are also getting snug.  I was picking out a St. Patrick's Day shirt and realize that a XXL will not fit me in a month :-(  I can't get enough fruit right now either.  That's an improvement to the bread and potatoes I was stuffing myself with the past few weeks.  Here is a photo of my meal two nights ago.  It's not the greatest, but it's pretty good to a pregnant girl.

Doctor Visit - 8 weeks and 2 days

So moving past week 8 and into my new doctor's office.  The specialist has kicked me out.  We conceived naturally and I'm not high risk.  Yay for finally being normal (kinda).  From blob to snowman, the little one is shaping into the most beautiful baby in the world.  Healthy is the key word and we heard it.  It felt so good to know that things are going well.  Still praying, but much more hopeful at this point.

Photos 7 weeks and 5 days

So, yeah, I'm going to be as big as a house!

Doctor Visit - 6 weeks and 6 days

Finally today arrived.  I was so nervous going into this appointment.  I wanted desperately to hear things were going well, but I could not have been prepared for things to go this well.  The baby is developing and they measured the baby at 6 weeks and 6 days.  This is a little further than they suspected last time.  Due date is projected to be September 14th.  I would guess a few days earlier than that, but time will tell.  

Then in the doctor's routine, he turned on the monitors and we heard the most beautiful beating heart you could ever have hoped for.  Finally I stopped the doctor's chatter to listen.  I asked him if that was my baby's heart beat.  My baby was alive and healthy and the heart was flickering away and the monitors read a strong heart beat pulsing away.  Relief and thankfulness filled me.  Andy is still in awe when he talks about it.  It's truly amazing.  

After the exam, we were informed that since my body is working on it's own that we no longer need to be with a specialist.  The doctor fully anticipates a healthy pregnancy and we are taking a referral to a regular OB in a little more than a week.  

Food...

I've got a little more than 24 hours until my appointment tomorrow.  I'm so curious and at the same time, scared to death.  I feel good.  I'm exhausted, but I feel good.  My cravings are so weird right now.  I wanted the veggies and rice earlier (of course with a pot pie thrown in for good measure).  Now it's just down to potatoes, cupcakes from The Cup and black cherry ice cream from Crown Candy.  Mashed potatoes, biscuits, juice with grape in it and sour cream potato chips are the current favorites.  This was scaring me as it's the same pattern as before, but I just found out that I'm not alone.  Kinda funny if you ask me.  I'm trying to fill the time and to stay positive.  My belly is starting to poke out a bit.  I want to be excited, but right now I'm just telling this baby to grow up and be strong!  And beyond that I'm trying to keep it together.  And for now I'm headed to KFC for some mashed potatoes...

Fearful

Today is a rough day.  I just feel off.  I hate this. I want to be positive.  But, I'm just not feeling it.  I'm just petrified that on Tuesday we will again begin the cycle from last time.  I'm just not prepared for that.  In my heart I know that God has control and that He will complete His work that He has begun.  I just wish I knew what He was working on.  I'm just scared today.  As much as I've tried to not get ahead of myself, I've not braced for the worst.  Now the cramping has started, cravings are changing and I never had a normal pregnancy to know what a normal pregnancy is like.  

I know that God can provide when the room is empty and out of our nothing He can make great things.  I trust that He has not forgotten me, my prayers or my tears.  I feel His presence, beside me when I'm at this point of breaking.  But I'm still scared.  I am praying that our visit shows us clearly if things are going well or not.  Until then it's a long four days of waiting.

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd;
         I shall not want.
 ² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
         He leads me beside the still waters.
 ³ He restores my soul;
         He leads me in the paths of righteousness 
         For His name’s sake. 
         
 ⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
         I will fear no evil; 
         For You are with me; 
         Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 
         
 ⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
         You anoint my head with oil; 
         My cup runs over.
 ⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
         All the days of my life; 
         And I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
         Forever.

Week Five

I have a doctor's appointment in one week.  One whole week.  I wish that I could relax and take this all in, but instead I'm waiting with the Worst Case Scenario book in hand.  I'm truly not a pessimist, but I just don't want to get my hopes up.  I have a month of crucial weeks to get through before a celebration.  I am sad that I just don't feel different right now.  Last time I felt like I had this life in me and it was amazing.  But this time is so different.  I feel emotionally different, my body feels different, my cravings are different... It's just not the same.  I think at times I feel guilty for not automatically feeling like a mom.  I just want to know it's real before I get ahead of myself again.  I love this baby and I talk to June Bug every day.  But I'm still emotionally raw from last time.  Let's keep in mind that that was just three months and two days ago.

I'm also paranoid about everything.  EVERYTHING.  Larry came down with an awful case of the flu while at our house on Saturday and I've been cleaning ever since.  Fever scares me.  My cravings are so different and that scares me.  Weird sensations in my belly scare me.  As does one million other things scare me.  But I'm just praying that God will keep me healthy and be with this little one.  I'm praying for health, growth and a heart beat.   I cannot live in fear.  I am cautious, but my heart must be on the table or this life just is not worth it.  Deep breaths.... Lots of deep breaths...

Doctor Visit

So, we went to the doctor as already scheduled.  This round is far different since we weren't using any fertility meds.  I was fearful going into the appointment.  I was worried that perhaps things hadn't settled where they should or that the test was maybe off.  Of course the doctor assumed that we were there for the consult until the assistant pointed out that we had a positive test the day before.

The ultrasound showed a very young 4 week plus a few days baby circle.  Too small to even get a due date to calculate.  I was hoping that we would be at the five week mark, but we aren't.  In the whirlwind, we learned that it's early and less meds since we are working on our own at this point.  This is exciting.  I hate taking more meds than I have to.  But even though I'm glad to be here, there is a sense of deja vu from last time.

I have to admit that I'm having a tough time embracing this until I get passed the 7-8 week.  I want to believe that September will bring me a beautiful baby, but I don't want to be naive in light of this past year.  But I feel great.  I'm sleepy and my belly is stretching out and I'm craving more pot pies.  I feel pregnant and it's without all the meds I was relying on last time.  I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy the time I have.  I know the risks, but I have to believe that this could finally be it.  God's been whispering things in my ear that have not made sense this whole time- until now.  So, I have no choice but to move in faith.


Next appointment on Jan. 25th and it seems a million miles away.

well...

So today is day 36.  My timing shows me to be a day late.   And I've been counting down the days as the emotional overloads have been a bit much lately.  But then there are all the weird things that always accompany me.  The backaches, craving fruit and pot pies, pants aren't fitting and I'm not gaining weight, tired, and waking up sick for the New Year... So, I can't lie. I've been hopeful and I have maybe tested a little earlier... New Year's Eve I tested and nothing.  Andy has been through my suspicions so many times before that he was finally told me to stop testing until I was actually late.  And then I checked again last week before taking Nyquil for my reoccurring sinus infection/cold thing.  I couldn't help it.  I just get paranoid that finally it might happen and I'm not following the "rules."  But it was a no.  I promised myself again to not test again until I actually was late.

So yesterday came and went with little fanfare.  Braced for the emotions, today was a day to check.  While I feel fullness and weird, it can always be explained away.  I knew that the test would tell me no again and I would wail again.  The emotions have been so strong lately.  I am just grateful that I serve a God that is big enough to take them in and hold me, despite myself.  Last night at church, it was mentioned that if we leave Jesus to serve another master, we will only find death.  And so, I've embraced that He has not forgotten me and will stay near me through it.

Four drops later the test strip begins to change and a second line appears.  I am in shock.  I can't believe it.  I expected the usual no.  I wanted Andy to be the first to see, but I doubted a positive.  So, like a good scientist, I repeated the test and left to time it out and wake Andy.  Maybe it's a fluke.  Finally I got him awake to go check.

"What's it supposed to look like?  Wait.  Why are there two tests?"  he asked.  I asked him if they matched and explained that I didn't trust the first test (they were from the dollar store after all).  He then tells me they look alike.  I ran in.  He didn't really know what that meant.  Finally, I got it out and we just stared at each other.  After all the waiting and all the grief of this past year, really?


So, not believing my tests from Deals, he went to Walgreen's to get a "real" test and retest for the same results.

I called the doc and let them know that it looks like we will need an ob visit tomorrow instead of a consult.  God is so good. 

What I am Not

As a woman working through infertility, I am in the middle of an all star cast.  I like to think of Hannah, Rachel and Sarah of the Bible.  Strong, devoted, at times misunderstood and always genuine with emotion and feeling.  Many celebrities have endured the same battle.  Even with their tabloid, surreal existence, they are working through it (though you don't usually know their battle until they can display the baby bump of victory).  So other than these stories and my dear friends that have shared with me, I'm left with television and movies depiction of what infertility is like for other people.    And there is little I can share with the Hollywood rendition of barrenness.  I am not at all these women.  And I am not the woman that many people associate with inferility and criticize.  And while it's hard to describe what this battle has made me into to, I'm sure that these are some of the things I am not.

I am not a neurotic woman that I see in the movies.  I am not pushing my own agenda about that of which God is laying before me by seeking help from doctors and medication.  I am not the next Octomom.  I am not frail.  I am not helpless.  I am not faithless.  I am not incomplete without a baby.  I am not made of steel and I do have feelings.  I am not incapable of having happiness for others.  I am not ready to hear about your personal birth story and all it's glory.  I am not obsessed, but I am not oblivious.  I am not inconsolable, but I am not interested in hearing every successful infertility story.  I am not worried about beating my biological clock, but I am aware that it's ticking.  I am not pessimistic.  I am not worried.  I am not demure.  I am not alone.  I am not hormonally stable, but I am still rational (most of the time).  I am not desperate for this to go my way.  I am not willing to let my body continue to work improperly.  I am not bitter, but I may not be able to attend every baby shower this year.  I am not behind in life.  I am not rushing this.  I am not content to stay still.  I am not able to answer you when you ask when we will have a baby.  I am not opposed to babies, in fact I love them.  I am not a rag doll that can be tossed around by your perception of what I am going through.

Yeah that's about it for now.  God bless you if you are not like these things like me.

Empty

I made it through the holidays in one piece. I think that overall, I'm handling myself well. It is difficult not to get cynical and jaded. There's a verse that relates to me right now:

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

- Romans 5:3

However, that is only if we choose to let our "sufferings" produce good things in our lives. If we fight it, we lose the benefits and lose our selves to it's harsh conditioning. It an unfair fight and a battle that your will must lose in order to embrace the love that God is offering to ease the pain of long standing, painstakingly long waiting. It's in the waiting that we see that we are powerless against the world around us and subject to a God that is in charge. I can only control the matters that I can control. I can work to better my habits, my body, my conditioning, my everything- but in the end it's only God that can form life and share that with me.

That's humbling. I can get my weight perfect, my diet perfect, my environment perfect, my timing perfect, yet it is still not in my hands other than giving God room to move. So I'm at this place of submission. But if I choose to fight against where God will lead me, I will chafe and continue to grow empty. If I choose to reject the things He hands me daily to bless me and let go of the promise that He has not forgotten me, the sparrow, then I will grow empty. If I choose to count the number of couples around me having beautiful babies and compare their holiness to mine, I will continue to grow empty.

There is an emptiness that God grants me. This is the emptiness that allows me to see Him and feel His presence in my life. This is the emptiness that pushes me onward into His arms because I have no where else to go. Like the disciples that have gone before Him, I cling to His side. (verse) This is the emptiness that allows me to become full again. These are the very moments when I can see distinctly that I am human, full of emotion and flesh, and God has granted me vision, desire, peace and a plan. However convoluted the journey seems. It is one that I alone must make. Even my beloved cannot help me here. It's a place only God and I sit, right now in darkness, but eventually the morning will find us.

This is how I must interpret these days. Though it feels at times more like being dragged where I do not want to go (John 21.18). At times I feel that God alone can help me and fix me, but has decided to test me instead. This is the other side of empty. The ugly, self absorbed and hungry side. This empty demands what it cannot have and accuses those that can have it. This is an empty with a lid that allows nothing to enter and nothing to leave. It's the epitome of lonliness and full of the deceit that God has abandoned me for any number of justified reasons.

I am empty. Figuratively, emotionally, spiritually, increasingly... However, it is the type of empty that I embrace that will give me the fullness of life that was promised to me. To pour myself out and look to God to fill me back up when I have nothing reserved for me. It's a full dependence and reliance on a God that has lately only been a whisper beyond my ears. But I know Him and I will wait on Him... through this very long night.