Testing

So in the middle of my crazy, my back is killing me and I keep eating fruit like it's the most amazing thing ever.  My stomach is a mess.  Took another test today to be sure.  And nothing.  It makes me sad cause I would prefer to be, but I'm slowly getting used to the enduring testing.  It's hard not to think about it, so I thought I would brace myself early for the negative.  Ugh why do I do this to myself?  Really?

Andy brought me flowers and a card.  I know that he loves me.  I wish I didn't hurt so that he wouldn't hurt.  But he keeps me going and I thank God for that.

update

So the very next day I miscarried.  Although it was miserable, it still somehow physically was not as bad as I had feared.  The worst part was the emotional.  Your dreams for the coming year just slip from your hands.  It sucks.  There's no other way to describe it other than it sucks and you feel empty... again.  There is no fairness in it.  There may be a plan, but it sure doesn't feel like it.  It just sucks.

Monday I went for the D&C and completed everything.  Emotionally I was raw at that point.  I just don't understand how or why God would give me such a present and then allow it to be taken.  I am trying not to go there, but I am a human with human feelings.  And on top of that I'm in the midst of a baby boom... I currently can name at least 10 couples expecting.  I'm not jealous.  I'm just confused and feel a little forgotten.  I waited on God for so much, but this is wearing me thin for certain.  My faith remains that God will be with us and work in His time, but my heart aches.  I feel so ready, but since it's not working I second guess myself.  Surely I would be a good mother, but all this chips away at that confidence.

Which brings me to the next point.  Laying in my bed lamenting my situation as I should not do, but have done since October.  In the past few months, I have hosted the Halloween party that we were supposed to announce the pregnancy at, I went to my mother's where I was supposed to get a bassinet, and entered the season of expectation all together non-expectant.  I just felt hurt and foolish for believing this was going to work.  I don't understand why God would not just say no in the first place.  And that's where I was, curled up on the bed mid-December trying to put together and reconcile the last three months.  And that's also where God was, right there in the middle of my whining.  He could have said no to our getting pregnant, but I would then be just as hopeless as I was before, feeling that I would never get pregnant.  He could have, but instead- even though this whole thing sucks, He gave me hope.  It was not meant as a taunt, but the timing was not right.  The lessons learned while going through this are what I need to grow.  I just wish there was another way, but there is not.

So, in the midst of the midst of it all I forgave God for taking this from me.  I forgave myself for being angry with everyone/thing.  And I named my baby.  She has added to my life and for that deserves her own name.  Because before her I had no hope to ever get pregnant, I named her Hope.  It still hurts and nags in me, but I can start to let go. And I think God has forgiven me, too.

Muddy Waters

So yesterday the cramping had continued and was getting stronger.  I called my doctor to request another look and then for the d&c if we can confirm the same info.  They were booked so I was advised to go to the ER and have them check things out.  After much waiting to finally give a sample for a bladder infection test.  The midwife returned and asked if I was concerned about the baby.  I said that I was and she performed another ultrasound.

After a lot of looking she told me that I was not as far along as I had thought and that the baby was 6 weeks 3 days by measurement.  Although I didn't tell her much because in all actuality I wanted a second opinion, I knew this couldn't be right if we had HCG counts in the beginning of September.  By that calendar I am in the 9th week.  By the end I had completely confused this nurse and myself.  I thought that perhaps the baby had stopped developing then and a d&c would likely be needed in the upcoming weeks to prevent infection.  But the nurse was convinced that I am still pregnant, called my doctor and they ordered another ultrasound today.

I called my doctor as instructed and was put through to assistants in the office.  They were unsure of much of anything, let alone what to expect.  I do not know how this is supposed to go.  I do not know how this baby could possibly be six weeks.   I do not know how the doctor was sure enough to recommend a d&c and now feel that this pregnancy could be a viable one.  And I do not know why God could not just give me the cut and dry permission to let this baby go.  I'm so spent today.  The appointment is in an hour.  And I'm praying if this is not going to work, please give me that peace to let go.  If the baby is somehow still alive, that it's ok.  I'm just really lost and really need God to give me clarity, wisdom and strength to get through today.

more of the same

The emotions I have are simply overwhelming at this point.  I do not want to do much of anything and I am forcing myself to do most anything lately.  There is a fear of being still too long that keeps me moving.  It's still just too much to sit and think a lot about.  Just in spurts.  

Everything in my mind is beginning to switch.  I was so convinced that we needed to have a d&c to close this chapter and heal.  Now I'm seeing where someone could be missing something and what if I finalize a decision that is not mine to make.  Although I doubt that this is what is going on and fully believe that I am now officially in denial, I will still need to double check.  

What I really want is to go to the doctor and him tell me my body's misshape through them off and there is a live healthy baby.  However, with what we did see and how my body has felt, I don't think that is at all where we are headed.  I just need to know what to do.  This in between is killing me.  I have to be prepared for Lazarus not to come from the tomb and accept that God can/will work through all circumstances.  

Defeated

Today is another long day since Friday.  Friday morning I went in to the doctor with a bit of anticipation.  I was realistic, but still hopeful that we were still on course for a healthy pregnancy.  However, that was not the finding.  Another ultrasound showed that there was an embryo growing between 7-8 weeks.  There were two yoke sacs, one baby and no heartbeat.  I can't say I'm surprised, but I'm just disappointed.  I just desperately wanted this to work out.  It's just been a long two and half years.  I just feel like we were finally moving into this new phase and in the end, it's just another fact finding experiment.  I was just so proud to be in the group with all the soon to be moms, the maternity section, searching for names and enjoying it.  I was so excited to finally get this far, and even though I knew it may be short lived, I just prayed that it would finally be true.  I'm just so tired of the fighting.  It just seemed that God was leading us in this direction, and now to put all those feelings back on the shelf is just exhausting.  

The problem now lies in the fact that the baby, though lifeless, continues to grow.  It appears to be nothing more than a chromosomal issue causing it (evidenced by the two yoke sacs).  There is a larger baby now and obviously no heartbeat.  The medical preference is a D&C to go ahead and remove the baby since the viability of the pregnancy is no more.  This is likely the more safer option.  However, I begged God to not put me in this position.  I already feel as though I've taken the reigns to begin a fertility treatment and now I feel that I do not want to be responsible to end it.  I know that if the baby is already gone, it's gone.  But I just have a hard time finalizing that.  I've been told by some to go through the experience gives a sense of closure.  I do not think I need to go through the pain of the miscarriage to grieve.  I've grieved a lot over not getting pregnant to know how to grieve.  Andy's fear is the same as mine, and that is what if there is somehow a mistake.  It's so unlikely, but if you are the one to call it quits, you have to be able to live knowing that you made the right decision.

Carrying out through the miscarriage would be the natural way and I would not have to make the decision.   I know that Andy is just as emotionally invested in this as I am and I don't want to cut short his grieving or to somehow cheapen this whole experience.  I certainly know that my tendency to rush through painful events so that I can deal with them in reflection instead of when they are on going is not always healthy.  I just don't think dragging this out is healthy either.  I'm just in a quandary and feel that once the cramping begins, I'll go in for a reevaluation to be sure and likely the D&C.

It's just a terrible, terrible thing to know that your belly is not holding a baby anymore.  Your plans for the next nine months have drastically changed again.  And though I know that God is still a good God and in charge, I just wish that He would make this work.  But I think He has said no this time.  I know He hears me, I just wish He would have said yes.   My heart was just very ready this time.

Hope

Yesterday we went in to the final doctor visit.  I was not sure what to expect, as we were living in a 20% ratio of hope.  With a lot of prayer and a lot of nervous energy we entered the office.  I didn't want to go to be honest.  I think I was content with guessing for another day versus learning all was lost and we'd have to start again.

The ultrasound began and within seconds there was a cheer from the doctor.  A flicker of a heartbeat was detected!  The ultrasound then malfunctioned and would not get close enough for him to really see the baby inside the gestational sac.  We then waited in the waiting room as the other machine was in use.  It made the morning long, but the conversation with Andy in between was helpful.  Even though we've been together through this ordeal, it was good to hear how he felt.  In the midst of this whole ordeal, most of our discussion on the topic has been with God and not so much with each other.

Into the next room we go.  The doctor looks and ironically enough the other machine gave a better picture.  However, we could see the heart beat which prove that we still have a viable pregnancy.  However, the heartbeat is far too irregular for 8 weeks.  Our hope now is that we found the baby right away and that we are even further behind than thought.  Chlomid is a very unpredictable drug and late ovulations would not be uncommon (nor multiple ovulations in the same cycle).  So with a heartbeat, we are going back in on Friday to revisit again.  Our percentage has gone from 20 to 50%, so it is a bit more optimistic, but still very unclear what God will do here.

If growth and size is not visible again, we will go for a second opinion as this baby may not be okay. However, if the growth occurs that is expected at late 6 to 7 weeks- we may have a "wall flower" hiding out.  By Friday we will need to see growth.  I'm praying that the flickering heartbeat is from a bashful, growing baby.

Roller Coaster

So this week has been an emotional roller coaster for sure.  Wednesday I came home after the ball game and just really let it all out.  It was just time to cry and really let out how I feel.  Though I know that God is in charge, I can't act like I am okay with it if I'm not.  So, I reached out to the only One that can heal me.  I figure if He's big enough to make this whole world, He can handle my emotions too.  I just wish that we had seen an issue coming.  We knew it was early and that this was possible- but to get this far and get told likely that it won't work out with no real certainty is a lot to handle.  So, I let Him handle it.  Not that crying makes it better, but I bottle so much and keep appearances so much, that it did feel good.  The heartache I was feeling finally had a release so that it is real, but not bottled up inside as I usually do.

I slept well finally and Thursday was a day to keep going.  I dressed up for work and tried to remember that it is not full and final.  I found websites that discussed misdiagnosis of the same condition and they were in fact fine.  Each body is so different that sometimes the ultrasounds can be wrong.  I talked to my mom and she reminded me of all the things the doctors predicted about me and how I was just fine.  I went to a baby clothes store.  Even though this may not pan out the way I'd like, my time will come.  And I have to celebrate until told otherwise.

Then came Friday.  The off and on cramping and change in the way my belly feels definitely gives me an ominous feel.  I've been nauseous most of this week and when it's not nausea it's indigestion.  So my eating is off.  My weight is holding pretty steady.  But as I've researched, that means very little.  I came into work late and struggled to focus.  The prayers I've requested are coming in with the strength and grace I feel from God. But I'm still distracted.  A fire drill added to the fun of the day.  By lunchtime I realized one of the prescribed patches had come loose and I needed to refill the prescription to replace it.  So, I left.  I was gone for about an hour and half and struggled to go back in to finish out the day.  But I did.  Not my best day, but I finished.  I also have a sinus infection starting (teach me not to take the Claritin).  I felt like crap on top of feeling like crap.

We went to Pei Wei and it was baby mania.  There were pregnant women with their cute bellies, and little ones running everywhere.  I know that I have to be patient right now, but I was kinda sad to be honest.  I'm just a little low on hope I guess.  Andy has been very supportive and I couldn't ask for a better husband.  I worry about him b/c he's fairly certain that this is not going to work.  When I brought up the long shots of the doctor being wrong, he is taking the realist approach while I'm avoiding it at times.

Today I don't really feel very pregnant.  I cancelled the photo shoot I had planned and will make food and stay in.  I don't feel like going out.  I don't feel like crying at home.  And I don't feel like getting dressed.  In fact, I don't feel much of anything.  I'm just in a numb state today.  I don't really feel scared or sad or angry.  Maybe I'm just too tired for those energy consuming emotions.  I'm just tired of feeling.

Better Today

Yesterday was a very challenging day, but turned out very good.  Started out yelling at random people in traffic and I decided this is not how I'm choosing to take this.  Brought out some Disciple (?) and listened to some angry God music lol.  I just didn't want to dig the hole deeper by being ugly.  One of the songs, 103, really spoke to me (yeah from Disciple- which is usually just a lot of yelling).  The lyrics:

Stained, wash me 

As high as the heavens are above the earth

That's how far You've taken our sin from us

As far as the east is from the west

that is how far that you have removed our transgression from us

And I will sing Hallelujah 

The part that got me was the chorus that just repeated that "I will sing hallelujah."  I just couldn't get the line out.  I was just so angry and hurt.  But God- who is more patient than I give Him credit- steps into moments like these to remind me that He is my joy and my strength for any circumstance.  The biggest battle is over my heart and if I will block God out because I think I know best.  I have to trust right now that he is in charge and will be with me.  To be strong enough to have this baby or strong enough to lose this baby- I NEED HIM.  

I made it to work and got through the morning.  The nausea was rolling, but I'm not sure how much is baby and how much are nerves.  Likely a little both.  I am just not sure what my body is doing.  I just know that if anyone can save my baby, it's Jesus.  And I know that if anyone can bring me through that disappointment of losing the baby, it's Jesus.  So, in my head, I'm okay- it's my heart that teeters.  

I got through the morning and to the game.  The baseball game was good. I was able to share some of the situation which is good to get out and talk about.  I didn't tell the boys because I think I needed the levity to keep me going.  Derek has nominated himself as the baby namer.  I'm not sure that will pan out for him.  His last three suggestions were: Terrence Trent Darby Black, Angus Black, and finally Kalico Black.  I'm doubtful those will ever be used.  But I enjoyed the arguments for each of them.  

The drive home was tough.  All the tears that I still had welling up were just overwhelming.  I managed to fight through traffic and get home.  And I just cried.  I just needed to let it all go and embrace that this may happen and that God can handle the tears and sobbing and anger.  It's not His fault, but who else can comfort me.  I took a shower and I wailed.  I don't cry often and I certainly don't wail.  But I needed to get it out and not keep it in.   Poor Andy- I'm not sure at what point he came home, but I'm trying not to overwhelm him either.  But thank God I have him. He's amazing and I would have given up by now if it weren't for his support.  This is one of those situations that you don't want to risk.  And I usually shy away from potentially painful situation.  They suck.  But regardless the outcome, I'm grateful to get this far even though my heart is heavy.  

The low cramping is off and on and I'm nervous how this part even works.  I just feel uneasy because I don't understand it all.  I lost weight yesterday, but between my stomach issues and eating less, I'm not sure I buy that.  But I don't feel the firmness in my belly.  So, I'm not sure how this is going.  I just know that God is going there with us. 

Week 7 - pray and wait

Yesterday we went in for our 7th week check in.  We braved through last week and didn't go in.  We were hopeful to hear the heartbeat and to get a real due date.  Unfortunately, when the ultrasound was done, the doctor was unable to find the baby.  Occassionally the baby will cling to the walls of the uterus beyond the reach of the ultrasound or the calculation of how far along can be off.  However, the doctor said he was 80% sure that I will miscarry.  He has seen where they are hiding and occasionally will pop out of no where the following week, so he was trying to keep us positive.  That's a tall order for 20% chance.

I feel dumb because I had just started to really open up about everything and tell more people.  At first I felt kinda dumb, but I know that there is a purpose and that God has not brought us here to break us.  I'm drawn to verses from Jeremiah and the story of Jarius' daughter.  I felt awful yesterday and God's message was that He would be glorified through this ordeal.   I don't really understand what that means, but I don't really understand any of this.  We understood this was a risk, but with each week growing stronger, I felt that this was really it.  Now I'm not sure of anything.

I was worried about the 7th week.  I know it's a cut off of sorts because I've known others that have miscarried in this week.  I just felt nauseous on Saturday and Sunday, but I've noticed that my appetite has changed and some other symptoms seemed a little less Monday and Tuesday (but that seemed normal).  The cramping has been a little more and I've lost about half a pound.  My heart is just very heavy today. If any one can save this situation and make it good, I know that God can.  But I'm not sure what that will look like.  Today is the baseball game for work, but I'd rather hide in bed.  I'm just scared of hugs and pity and miscarrying while I'm at the game- heaven forbid.

Most of last night was thinking and not sleeping.  I'm just sad, but perhaps the 20% chance will be ours.  It's just not at all how I planned yesterday.  *sigh*  Now we pray and wait.

moving along!

So the last couple weeks have had some highs and lows.  Some of the highs?  Well, for one- an ultrasound shows that we are doing great.  We're a little further behind in the schedule and tomorrow will begin the 7th week.  The yoke sac (mini fridge) is well established, the gestational sac (sleeping bag) is looking great. So, with that YAY!  Here is a pic from week 5.  We should have a new ultrasound on week 7 on Tuesday!  Another highlight, new bed! It's the best bed I've ever had and it's amazing!  My hip has gone back in place and I'm sleeping much better.  And last, but not least- no puking!  It makes me nervous at times, but I'm trusting this is a blessing as I still have all kinds of other symptoms.

The Mae Mae vs Manny rivalry continues as I contemplate buying pink shirts that say TEAM PINK to root for a girl and blue ones for Andy with TEAM BLUE.  Either way, to have a healthy and happy baby- there's nothing better.  And I can't wait.  I think the debate is just my annoyance at calling my child an "it."  So the debate goes on.

Also on the plus side, me being a little on the plus side helped us get out of a ticket when Andy did a fabulous rolling stop through a stop sign- in front of a cop.  We were on the way to get the final blood work done at Depaul Hospital.  So he begins to apologize to the cop and explains that I was pregnant and we were going to the hospital.  The cop asked if we need an ambulance and he tells him, "no, no... her water hasn't broke or anything- just got to go in for some tests."  Who does this?  I'm maybe 5 weeks at this point.  So, I did what any wife does when she wants a bed and knows a traffic ticket would prevent this...  and I rubbed my fat belly.  It's terrible, but the officer graciously let us go (thankfully without an escort).

The lows have been there, too.  I'm very emotional and I've never been this vulnerable in my life.  When you have seen men that really aren't too excited about a pregnant wife, it's hard not to assume that Andy feels put off by the whole thing.  But through all the meltdowns- he's with me, for better or worse.  I'm pretty insecure at this point and again I have to unload some more of my "baggage."  It's healthy to work through, but not easy.  But if I know anything, I know that this is the best husband I could have ever prayed for and he will be a great father who is involved and connected to his family.  Even if that family is just me and I'm yelling at him for things beyond his control :-/

I also think the stress has also played a part and I had to rush to the doctor when I couldn't catch my breath.  After running extensive tests, it appears that I was trying to have a panic attack.  This was a long couple of days, but I'm relieved that everything is working even if I'm storing up water like a camel in these legs lol.  So, with that these are the lows, but in light of the highs... I couldn't ask for things to go any better.

Recap

So the last few days have flown by... After getting a confirmation again of good numbers last week we informed my sister and mother in law.  It's such a cautious hope.  But the more prayers the more I can feel God holding us up right now.  It's just such a wonderful and fearful thing all at once.  We also let our church know and through the rejoicing, they have their own similar situations if not the same and understood the place that we are standing.  We've clued in my boss just in case the nausea kicks in this week.  We bought a new bed and fixed my husband's car in case the car pooling comes to an end.  I've been eating everything except eggs :-)  McDonald's cheeseburger and fruit being the current favorites right now.  My stomach is tightening on the edges and my pants  are getting a little snug.  It's crazy how much can change in 6 weeks.

Today is the first official appointment.  I'm a bit nervous.  I'm so excited, but I know that anything can happen and my appetite has been down and I'm still unsure of what is normal.  My legs have also decided to swell again.  This was well under control, but now looks like it's really back.  This worries me because I know I will swell anyway with the pregnancy.  And then the what if's start to play through my head.  It's more worry than I have answers for.  So I will go to the doctor and face the music- whatever song that may be...

secrets

After a restful long weekend, I'm back at work.  My pants are a little snug and I'm a little absent minded.  I came to work with shoes that do not match the rest of me and totally walked off without makeup :-)  I went for blood work again and am again patiently waiting for the numbers.  Praying that they are climbing as they should.  My hips are killing me.  This is a terrible time for it to go out on me, but with the bed and couch we have, I am not surprised.

We went shopping for more grains and veggies for this week.  It's pretty exciting to be responsible for this little one.  I am just praying that the numbers are good.  I am also praying that my blood pressure is a passing thing due to the stress of new hormones and not knowing what is going to happen yet.  Waiting now with phone in hand.  

adjustments and anxiety

It has been a short couple of days since I learned that I am really pregnant. Yesterday was my husband's family reunion.  It is so hard to be nonchalant and to not be competive in the games.  Volleyball and kickball are by far my favorite.  After a hard reach for the ball, I decided that I should take my pregnant butt off the court.  So last night and today I am very sore.  It's likely from sleeping all the time honestly, but it was a wake up call that I'm not going to be able to do all I was doing before and to be okay with that.   It took us so long to get here that I do not want to risk it.  All last night I kept worrying that maybe I had hurt the baby or if I miscarry I'll blame this event, etc.  I will be so glad to really go over what I can and cannot do.  And what is normal and not normal.  I'm so excited, but in the back of my mind I keep reminding my self that this is week five.  It's ONLY WEEK FIVE.  

Right now I know that I am getting stiff from all the sleep.  It's CRAZY!  I sleep from 9 until dawn (why am I waking up then?) and will be awake for about a half hour and then back to sleep until 7:30.  I've kept up with this so that I'll be ready to go back to work with a semi normal schedule.  Then at 9, I take the progesterone (which I took a little early to move the time back for this upcoming week) and I'll be drowsy and stoned for about another hour and a half.  This is so sad.  I have all these things I want to get done and all I can do is sleep.  I'm trying to let my body guide this part, but it will certainly be difficult in the office.  So adjust adjust adjust!!  Everything I'm doing boils down to adjusting, but there is nothing that is worth it more.  

The major challenge today is to ease my hip back into place.  I finally found out that I can take Tylenol.  I am so taking it.  My bed and couch are both evil villains in my house and with all the afore mentioned sleeping, it looks like the bed is going to have to go.  My 40 year old hand me down mattress- we appreciate your freeness, but we will not miss you.  Praying that God will open up a sale somewhere on this.  

Day 29

So yesterday was a wonderful day.  To be told that you can hope and wish without doing it in vain is a good day.  My favorite person picked me up from work and as we drove down the highway I told him that I was really pregnant.  He didn't get it at first.  I'm like yeah, but what if I'm REALLY pregnant.  Finally after a few times he caught on that I had gotten the confirmation.  Then we spent some time at a park just taking it all in.  It's so new and exciting.  And I love it.  The next major cross roads is Tuesday.  They will again check to see if we are progressing as expected.  I am hopeful that the numbers continue to be positive, but understand that we are not out of the woods yet and it's ultimately in God's hands.

The medicine and sleepiness is kicking in.  Fortunately the nausea has subsided and hopefully was only nerves.  I fell asleep around nine to be awake at seven this morning.  Why?  There is no reason to be up early on a Saturday- but here I sit typing.  Maybe the lack of caffeine is setting in?  Regardless I woke to my love dead asleep.  It is the first restful sleep he's had in two days.  He's usually got it together, but I can tell this has rocked him.  And that's good because it's rocked me, too!!

So this morning he decided he wanted for us to take our own test.  So I did.  I'm always nervous that I might get a negative.  Things are still pretty unstable.  So I did agree and for our viewing pleasure was a flashing PREGNANT display on the test.  He kept going back and checking and informing me that it still shows that I'm pregnant.  He is such a mess.  But I am so blessed to have a man that gets excited over this.  Some are just too shallow and selfish to accept any rival to their own comfort or attention.  So to watch him with the same excitement and same concerns- it's a relief to be honest.  I truly couldn't have it any better.

So today is a day of quiet celebration.  We have only told my mom so far because she has been keeping up with all the tests.  It's a tentative thing and she has been sworn to secrecy for now until Tuesday's visit.  We can then tell his mom and my sister.  Even then the risks are so high for this one, that we won't tell many others until we get a couple months along.  Oh, the agony of knowing so soon.  Most aren't figuring this out until this week.  We've known about this since a week and half after conception.  One of the two sided blessings of fertility treatment I suppose.  So, it's off for more celebrating!   It's a beautiful September day and we're going to get out in it!

confirmation...

Got a call from the doctor and the blood work confirms that we are 4 weeks pregnant.  I'm so excited.  More blood work on Tuesday to make sure and some medication in the mean time, but finally I can relax.  My stomach is doing weird flip flops and it truly feel like some one is rearranging the furniture in there.  But at least we are off to a good start.  Cannot wait to tell my favorite person, but I'm waiting eagerly for him to come and get me from work.  Want to see his face :-)  It's still early, but I'm choosing to enjoy every single second of this.  I will only get to experience this one more time- God willing... so I'm taking it in, nausea and all...

more waiting

So here I am waiting again for more answers.  Still.  It's an eternity to know what is going to happen.  I'm emotional, nauseous and extremely anxious.  I woke up early this morning with all of this in mind.  My prayer for the rest of the day is that a.) I don't puke b.) I don't puke at work and c.) I get an answer.  Even if it's not what I want to hear, I just need an answer.  It's a long weekend and three more days of not knowing might kill me!  So I'm going to attempt to focus on a half day of work and call.  Praying that God calms me down regardless what they tell us.

So here we are

So for the past two and a half years, my husband and I have been trying to conceive.  And it's a very slow moving process in a very impatient world.  My husband and I have been best friends for years and finally got around to dating and then marriage.  Married after five years of the closest friendship I've ever known and then about a year and a half of dating.  It's great.  Things are really good for us.  So then you know the song--- the baby carriage was next.  

So in March of 2008 we went au naturel and said good bye to birth control.  The timing seemed right.  Late twenties, things are a little more stable (but not set in stone).  Seemed very good to begin trying for a baby.  I knew that I had some issues, but trusted that I would eventually get pregnant in the right timing.  So, we embarked in the journey for about a year and things just weren't happening.  

"When are you two going to have kids?"  


I hate this question.  It's like my life is not complete without a baby?  It is.  I love my life.  Would it be enhanced with a new little one that looks and acts like us, breaking our stuff and eating our food-  of course!!!  I love babies and really love when they become kids (I actually like the why game).  So, I do want kids.  But I do not want this awkward question.  And after a year of failure, it is too much.  I get snippy when interrogated and I think it sometimes comes off like I do not want kids.  I just get tired of the pressure.  If we don't have kids, ask in a caring way.  Why do people have to ask in such a way that it demands an answer.  


Then others like to make jokes.  Let me be clear, I understand how this works.  I don't need a manual, we don't need time alone and we wouldn't question your sex life... thank you very much... Please don't tell me about my rapidly ticking biological clock or tell me "my eggs are getting cold."  You can't push someone into having kids, even if there is nothing wrong.


After this past year, I felt like exploding at them all--- "I'm broken!" followed by lots of expletives.  But I refrain as that may make the next family function a bit awkward.  I love people. And I know that they see a couple that should be making babies that they can hold and celebrate.  But I just want to be left alone.  Please do not rub my nose in it one more time.  I know it's there and it's out of my control.  This was me in October 2009 when I said "no" to morning testing routines, cycle day counting and "personal summers" from my fertility meds. Every doctor we went to told us to go to a specialist, but this admits defeat.  And I couldn't handle it.  

When you lose a child to miscarriage, there's a way to say that.  It's a pinpointed event that you can grieve.  When you grieve every time you get another one of Mother Nature's gifts each month (or month and a half), it's enough to drive you insane. You just feel empty, hallowed out to the soul.  It's unfair, but yet somehow you feel guilty (if I would lose weight, have sex more, have sex less, test more, work out more, etc).  

For some, the option is bitterness.  "Why do people that can't take care of their kids get pregnant?"  I can't go here.  My situation is not dependent on what gifts God gives to others.  Do I wish it were my turn?  Absolutely.  But I can't take away the miracle that life when it's given to someone other than me.   When my best friend was pregnant, I was ecstatic.  She didn't have the long wait (baby was a wonderful surprise) or the agonizing over what treatment option, etc.  And I celebrated that full heartedly.  I just wanted to be able to share in the experience.  But there I was with no baby to compare stories with.  No idea how to set up play pens or car seats.  She had stepped into a different world and I was still here.  

So a little broken, but I just kept reading and kept praying (or trying to on the bad days) for me to be in His will.  Hannah of the Bible has become my heroine.  I was/am scared of pushing so hard for what I want that I get it instead of what He wants that is perfect for me.  I just want to be in the center of what He wants for me.  I then picked up photography and have taken millions of photos through this.  It's very therapeutic.  It gets me centered.  As you can tell, I am a ball of random energy today.  But I have to explain where I've been to see where I'm going.  

And where am I going?  Last month, I finally faced my fears that a specialist would tell me that there was more wrong with me than I already knew and we went.  I was told a less bleak outlook.  I picked up a second opinion and changed doctors while doing another fabulous round of meds to enhance my chances of working. And as of yesterday- we look pregnant.  Ultrasound showed eggs and ovaries and a tiny little sack (that Andy couldn't make out at all).  So don't get too excited, though.  It's very early (week 3-4) and the numbers aren't looking great yet.  I'm hopeful, but don't want to get attached to the idea until I know it's not chemical which is what it sounds like at this point.  

So, tomorrow more blood work (lab techs will know my name by the time we're done) and I should know my chances.  Progesterone is good, but the HCG is low.  That's not what you want to hear, but at least we've made it this far.  I can feel changes and it's exciting, but I'm desperately trying to let this be in God's hands.  Meanwhile, we await.